Saturday, November 12, 2005

sigh. feeling tired about life again. but unlike the last time, this time is because of the once a month thingy, so it'll be less serious. but nonetheless.. SIGH. there's one week before the start of exams but i'm not doing anything about it. not yet. but well, i can imagine myself studying for EL (or just paste post-its all over the book), soci (interesting to know not nice to study, like econs in A levels), CL (need to study?) and jap (studied 70% for oral, have extra 1 wk to prepare), but SSA (tmdtmdtmd)! >_< it's the subj i need to study most for since e proj was a total flop, but it's the subj i least want to study for! ARGH. it's like just pure memorising? and of course some input of your own thoughts but i'm best at fluff so that's not a problem. but i don't want to study for such subjects! sigh why did i choose this mod >_< i thought i'd be done with this kind of memory work after sec 4. maybe i really should be in science. hoho. and i'm thinking of doing double major. imagine something like that coming out from someone like me. sigh. i need a minimum CAP of 4.0.. =( the reason why i want to do it is because i really like psychology alot (despite me having zero knowledge about it since i didn't even take it this sem |||) and sociology really seems fun.. and i guess if i study the aspect of sociology that complements with psychology, it's gonna be damn useful in future.. so that's perfect right? studying things i like, and making sure they play an impt part to my future.. how many times do you get a deal this great? but well of course there's a heavy price to pay >_< msia FH has been postponed to 14th Jan.. and somehow.. i don't feel like going anymore.. >_< one major factor is also because it's gonna be harder to lie to my parents, and i think i'll just be truthful to them, and although there's a 95% chance that they will let me go, they'll be scolding me lah.. = = and i think i'm starting to lose interest in mayday.. i don't know if that's good or bad.. let's see the signs: 1) I was just looking thru the videos i have, and was thinking if i should just delete those that have little meaning, ie short news clips or short video clips filmed by fans.. and in the end i did delete quite a number of files.. felt a sense of achievement (more disk space for anime!) more than sense of loss. ooh. 2) been quite tight for cash (the truth is i always was, since i have no pocket money, and i don't control my (excessive) spendings), and i was thinking of selling my mayday things to 'earn' money. and i think some of the things i have really are worth quite a lot? ^^;;; but well shan't do it before i totally give up on mayday lest i regret and hate myself. hoho. = = rantrantrant. shall make a move to go to sleep. stupid bleach takes so long to dl i can't watch it before i go to sleep. =( ninchan got smitten over mayday at 01:59 a.m. [ ]

saturday | 29 10 2005

其實有時候我真得會想:我死了又會怎樣?我又不是什麼大人物,死了也不會是一件大事.況且,認識我的人又不多,又有誰是會真的為了我而傷心的呢?而又有誰是會為了我的離去而歡喜?一定多得數不清.即使是會傷心,地球還是照樣轉,過了一陣子,我就真地會從這世界上消失,連同人們對我的記憶.我就是那麼一文不值. 這已經不是憂鬱症的症狀了.而是用很理性的角度去思考一切.其實只要能夠放下這世上的一切,了無牽挂,那跟死了也沒兩樣,不是嗎? 其實我相信很多人不時都會有想死的念頭,只是沒有去實行罷了.畢竟真的要把一切撇開,瀟灑的走,也並非易事.對我來說,我是害怕死前那一陣劇痛. but then again, to quote ah peh, 'things could be worse'.. XD and was quite surprised someone i'm really not close to at all (project mate) actually msged me upon seeing my nick.. though we didn't talk much, but just made me feel quite touched.. but i don't think i'll ever have the chance to see her again cuz there's no more tut for that mod.. ^^;; anyway there's sociology presentation on monday, basic translation assignment due next wk.. after tt is exams which somehow seem q qing song cuz 2 are open book, one of which really requires little studying.. ^^;; so.. the worst is over i guess. =) to you: i want to continue to be there for you, but i don't want you to be there for me. because i don't want anyone to be there for me, to prevent myself from feeling indebted to anyone. -hug- but then again.. maybe you won't need me to be there for you, cuz u nv needed me to be there to begin with, since you have so many others.. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 11:33 p.m. [ ]

thursday | 20 10 2005

hmmm i've only heard of people saying that when you get too hungry for too long, you suddenly lose your appetite.. and of course it has happened to me alot of times.. but does the same theory apply to sleep?!?! somehow these few days i've been sleeping damn late! but i don't feel like going to sleep! it's like i know i'm damn tired but somehow i just don't have the sleepiness.. lol. so tonight i started on my biz jap proj report.. it's due next fri but in view that i have so many deadlines coming up, and that i don't feel like sleeping, i just started crapping.. sigh. anyway i think i'm getting broke.. i have totally no inflow of income (ie no pocket money) but have tons of outflow.. singapore hit awards, m'sia final home, SG final home.. and birthday presents.. and transportation fees lah omg. i hate it that i have to take both mrt and bus and it somehow is not expensive enough for me to buy the concession pass. = = i wouldn't mind saving money to buy the bus only concession pass, but that would mean wasting alot of time.. then today my sis was saying how she's rather lazy to have to walk quite a distance from the mrt to her workplace and etc, so i was saying we should just buy a car lah. haha. since there're quite a few days when i end at 6, i can just go pick her up.. then of course send her to work in the morning before i go school lah. but well my school's ending le (after the exams that is >_<) so not really very feasible i guess.. haha. i want to find a part-time job man. gosh i feel like an idiot. like a wo nang fei. =( i think i AM one lah XD||| today's my mum's birthday, tomorrow's siwei's birthday, and monday's yellowcow's birthday! LOL. shall try ptt mailing him again XD||| oh an 26's aaron kwok's bday. ^^;;; man i really have something for remembering birthdays.. muahahaha. anyway had lunch with siwei and nat today and it was real great.. just kept talking about whatever came to mind.. hee. =) and we should be going out on sat to have dinner to celebrate her bday! =) yays! lol. guess i've really been quite a lousy friend, always not taking the initiative to keep in contact with people, little wonder i have fewer and fewer friends lah. but well.. who cares. XD||| guess i better go to sleep now.. wouldn't want to fall asleep during tomorrow's socio tutorial.. totally unprepared! just gonna sit in one corner and isolate myself from all the discussion. XD and to all who're reading this and have exams coming up, jiayou! it'll all be over soon.. just have something to look toward AFTER the exams and everything will just be a breeze! =) a little something to cheer you up! XD ninchan got smitten over mayday at 02:13 a.m. [ ]

tuesday | 11 10 2005

omg i cant believe my luck lah! i was just thinking "so bored just try calling in 933 lah, dian ge 1-for-1 quite shuang also" so i just tried calling 933 when i wasnt even listening to the radio.. and i managed to call in! wah! DAMN nervous this time cuz super unexpected! though it's my 3rd time le.. XD dedicated songs to the new friends i made the past 2 days.. too nervous so didn't state names.. but they're (nicknames frm mdmd.net) PEIRONG, Fantasy, spotlite, Only-5, mayday0329, wenning, musicanata.. argh i dunno who are the others! > < forgot le.. ^^; dedicated ya guan this time instead of zhi zu! last time i chose zhi zu for practical reasons.. hope tt more pple would hear it and like it and vote for it on the charts.. LOL. but it's time for ya guan to go up too! XD but she didn't play the other song i dedicated.. =( i want relax one! >_< haha i told peirong then she say i did sound v nervous over the radio also.. =X BAH. hee. anw we're planning to fo FH msia! they have a ROCK ZONE! arh! >_< that's why i decided to go.. ok back to work now! XD added on 1230am: thanks to xh and pr for adding their comments! i often go thru stages of depression, but thanks alot for comforting me! =) i get well easily also lah, odd weeks i'm quite qing song, even weeks i feel horrid.. XD and i think this goes to show how little i check my comments.. ^^;;;; btw xh u also jiayou k? still got.. 1yr3months? XD and peirong you too! must be HAPPY! XD ninchan got smitten over mayday at 11:25 p.m. [ ]

monday | 10 10 2005

just let me blog to remember.. haha =) today quite high, but i can only see monster clearly, then don't know why will always just end up looking at ashin.. maybe he really is the more prominent one.. =X and so little pics of yanming cuz he's always hidden =( wah go er wo zhi dao single! and heng xing de heng xin! so cool right! haha.. and got them autographed too.. XD and i managed to request for a 'bigger and nicer' smiley on my poster from yanming! XD and i got to take pic with shijie! shijie was so cute today. but that's just him lah. and stupid zhang lao shi always act cool lah. sigh. if anyone can manage to get a pic w him hor, i 0rz him lor. he still say 'u take 50 pics w shijie then i take one w u'. if only it's real lah! 50pics w shijie 1 w zhang laoshi, who dun want! lol.. XD||||| k nvm 'm just crapping. anyway today was very rushed, but felt v nice too.. =) and we didn't have to take mrt to j8 or mediacorp, nice mdmd.net pple gave us a lift! heh. =) peirong and Only-5? =) and i took a cab home.. too tired and sian to walk to bus stop.. haha. and it was only $7, ok lah. hee =) shall write more in my diary! yay! and i love u daniel. =) *hugs and kisses* ninchan got smitten over mayday at 12:56 a.m. [ ]

saturday | 08 10 2005

argh.. i totally hate myself.. i feel like an irresponsible freak when it comes to projects.. >_< but that's also why i don't like projects.. i rather flop and it be all my fault while i don't have to feel guilty, than make a small mistake and feel like i've let everyone down (which is true lah = = ).. was supposed to meet at Macritchie at 830 and i woke up at 850.. my alarm rang for 1hr+ and i didn't hear.. and i had 2 missed calls in btw.. sigh. maybe i really am just too tired? tutorial discussion ended at around 130am, and i felt so sian (the kind of feeling u get when u start to think 'wth am i living for') i just watched naruto before i slept so ended up sleeping at around 230 after everything.. sigh. on wed i slept arnd 3 to work on SC presentation, but only had to wake up around 10 so it was not tt bad.. slept at 3 on thurs too.. had to miss EL lec.. but still had to wake up at 730 so it didn't helped much.. >_< then this today.. sigh. but a gp member called to say i don't have to rush over anymore cuz there's only 3 pple there (hmmm? got 6 pple in our gp.. =X) so the other 3 will go down another day to do the survey.. then the next thing is biz jap.. i havent been doing anything at all for the past month, and honestly i don't know what's going on, but i'm in charge of doing the presentation.. i don't want to do a bad job but i will unless i push some of the work to other members and either way, i will feel guilty.. argh! academically everything seems to be going heywire.. =( got 18/30 for EL proj, SS proj v unsteady, i'm starting to screw up for biz jap project.. but the basic translation class should still be alright as of now.. and as for SC.. i'm suddenly blessed with the power to read the tutor's mind as to churn out an essay that seems to meet his criteria.. shocking but comforting i guess.. sigh.. don't even know if i should stay out so late tmr for something that doesn't help me academically.. ARGH! ninchan got smitten over mayday at 09:13 a.m. [ ]

saturday | 24 09 2005

went out for dinner w him today.. so things are better now.. =) maybe we just meet up too little.. =( and thanks val rj ah peh and xh for leaving msgs.. =) esp val.. *HUGS* been a long time since we talked.. >_< hope school's ok for you! =) mayday's coming on 9th oct! omg! so excited! cant wait for time to FLY. XD going crazy again! now i dunno if i should get a new cam or use my sis'.. =X sony's 4.1MP only $349, not bad i feel.. but yahoo auctions has kyocera SL400R at only $250.. or maybe i should just save money >_< paradox of choice? =S anyway there's a mdmd.net gathering! bbq! but i cant go for the bbq.. got wedding.. =( but well i'll just go for a while and leave.. =) fate? = = so many things to do that i've been putting off! biz jap interview transcript, EL1101E proj, SSA2202 proj, SC1101E test + presentation.. ARGH. and all i've been doing is to indulge in my paradox of choice. lol. XD ninchan got smitten over mayday at 12:13 p.m. [ ]

sunday | 18 09 2005

最後還是敗給了自己,眼淚也潰堤了.很討厭這樣的自己.爲什麽愛情是一個那麽傷人的東西. i tried to make things work my way, because i believe that would make the relationship work out. i tried to make sure nothing would harm our relationship. but they all meant nothing to you. i really loved you, and did what i would only do to someone i love. but did u appreciate it? or even acknowledge it? why is it that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship? isn't that supposed to be all that matters? you were everything to me. and you still are. but why should that matter to you now? ninchan got smitten over mayday at 03:49 p.m. [ ]

saturday | 10 09 2005

what do you do when the person you love most doesn't give a damn about you.. when you really want to die but just don't have the guts to because it hurts.. when you tried strangling yourself but it somehow just doesn't work.. honestly, i admire all those who dare to commit suicide.. how much does it take to be able to endure with the pain the moment right before death? but i guess that physical pain still feels much better than all the emotional hurt and mental distress i'm going through now.. life holds nothing for me.. no one cares about me, i'm just worthless.. but well, since nothing matters to me either, i guess i shouldn't bother about that.. all i want now is to die.. but who's there to help me.. if i go to the doctor and tell him i want to die and ask him to administer some medicine that can help me.. what will he do? if all he's gonna do is refer me to some shit psychiatrist.. then forget it.. i seriously wonder what people learn in med school. a psychiatrist is like.. worse than my sister. all he can do is give me prozac and then when i get better SIMPLY BECAUSE OF THE MEDICINE, there's nothing else he's able to do. isn't a psychiatrist suppose to work like a psychologist, but much better? whatever. since med schools like NUS admit students because their parents helped them pull strings, i guess it's really no surprise that doctors are of such calibre. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 08:44 p.m. [ ]

friday | 09 09 2005

take a look atthis. erps. either huang niu is super rich or this guy is trying to cheat people's money. =X (k i know i'm crazy lah XP) these few days i've been stepping into many CD shops to look for various CDs.. and almost all are playing mayday's new album! so happy.. =) and i just feel like staying in the shop even though i know what i want to buy or have nothing to buy.. XD bought 3 CDs in a span of 4 days. $60 in all. sigh. i really don't know what happened to me.. it's like this perpetual state of depression. just whether it's milder or more extreme. in mild cases i don't feel like going home right after school and look for things to buy, be it CDs or food. in extreme cases i just feel like dying. man. and it's not like i'm gonna be able to take a break during the one week hols.. =( sigh. must really learn to grow up and take things one step at a time. >_< never mind it's the weekend so it's a short break for the time being. =) but there's maf tmr and i don't know if i should go. this feeling really sucks. >_< ninchan got smitten over mayday at 07:02 p.m. [ ]

monday | 15 08 2005

戀愛ing by mayday 陪你熬夜 聊天到爆肝也沒關係 陪你逛街 逛成扁平足也沒關係 超感謝你 讓我重生 整個o-r-z 讓我重新認識 L-O-V-E (L-O-V-E! L-O-V-E!) 戀愛i-n-g Happy i-n-g 心情就像是坐上一台噴射機 戀愛i-n-g 改變 i-n-g 改變了黃昏黎明 要你到心跳到不行 你是空氣 但是好聞勝過了空氣 你是陽光 但是卻能照進半夜裡 水能載舟 也能煮粥餵飽了生命 你就是維他命 L-O-V-E (L-O-V-E! L-O-V-E!) 戀愛i-n-g Happy i-n-g 心情就像是坐上一台噴射機 戀愛i-n-g 改變 i-n-g 改變了黃昏黎明 要你到心跳到不行 未來某年某月某日某時某分某秒某人某地某種永遠的心情 不會忘記此刻L-O-V-E (L-O-V-E! L-O-V-E! L-O-V-E! L-O-V-E!) 戀愛i-n-g Happy i-n-g 心情就像是坐上一台噴射機 戀愛i-n-g 改變 i-n-g 改變了黃昏黎明 要你到心跳到不行 黃昏黎明 整個都戀愛i-n-g that's mayday's new song.. it's so cute! thanks rj for msging me and sending it to me.. =) man it sounds so un-mayday.. but sounds so ashin-ish cuz it's so 俏皮.. like 爆肝,扁平足, orz (0RZ), and the whole lyrics.. really can make you feel good man.. haha.. guess i really needed a song like that to cheer me up cuz today has been one bad day.. hating myself again. sigh. but well.. at least there was no school today? =) ninchan got smitten over mayday at 09:24 p.m. [ ]

tuesday | 09 08 2005

depression is back to find me again.. and somehow this time it really feels very bad.. >_< shouldn't have thrown away my prozac, then i can eat it now when i think i need it. = = school starts tomorrow.. and i'm really feeling very reluctant to go attend anything.. maybe it's really having been to used to slacking, maybe it's the distance to school that's making me feel weary, maybe it's the fact that i didn't manage to bid for my psych module, or maybe it's just because it's SCHOOL. sigh. i ought to have other more important things to worry about. i wonder what the real symptoms of depression are.. starting to cry without knowing the exact reason, having bursts of tempers upon slight agitations, wanting to isolate oneself from everyone else, feel like there's nothing worth living for, wanting to give up on everything and think that death's the best and only way out etc.. that's all i can remember i guess.. used to have them and then i got better, but now it's all coming back again.. i don't know what to do now.. i don't even know what i can do that's within me. i truly just hope that school will be kind to me.. sigh. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 05:45 p.m. [ ]

sunday | 07 08 2005

i don't know how i should really feel about yesterday.. maybe i'll start from the beginning of the day.. so rj and i reached the mrt at 8 and started walking to the venue.. but we kinda got lost (sorry rj =X) i took a long time to get there.. but nvm we got there anw. ^^; then we were first in the queue.. but after we realised that there was no need for any queue because we would all have to go in to watch the army shows and will only be allowed entry into the priority sector at around 730. and by the time the checking of the tickets begun, everyone was already squeezing to get in. so we were a bit pissed as we didn't even had to queue, we just had to know how to squeeze. = = but we got the front row in the end so it's alright. =) then they had this MMS thingy and by some chance i actually got chosen to meet mayday backstage.. was like WOAH! so we went.. but nothing much, only had time to take photos and get some autographs (didn't prepare anything so only got yanming's photo autographed > <) then back we went.. but because mayday was going to be on stage next, i was too anxious to get back and ran all the way back thru the mud and everything.. only to realised my camera pouch was unzipped and my camera had dropped off. i was like WTH T.T and tried looking for it even though they had already started singing.. then i thought it's futile so i just went back to enjoy the show.. they sang alot.. sun wukong, zhong jie gu dan, zhi ming yu chun jiao (!!), ga cia (!!!), hua, wenrou, jj, rshh, ting bu dao.. and they sang 2 (3?) songs w emil chau.. that was fabulous.. ^^ went back to marina today in hope that it'd be easier to find my camera with the help of the sun but well it was all useless.. and i finally cried because i know that all was gone.. my sis was really good and comforted me.. but well.. i guess memories are best left in the head.. =) ninchan got smitten over mayday at 02:56 p.m. [ ]

friday | 05 08 2005

does anyone know how it feels? i don't think so.. it's such a weird feeling that even i can't contextualise it.. but putting it simply it'd be the feeling of wanting to give up on everything.. meaning to just wait for death.. or search for it.. it's not entirely because of the failed driving test but i guess it sparked it.. because if i had passed i'd be in a state of euphoria and wouldn't be bothered to care about other heart breaking issues, and of course it wouldnt have became one of those heart breaking issues. i needed someone to talk to, i hoped that someone would understand and i wanted that person to be you.. but talking to you broke my heart even more.. it's just so different. but i guess it's meant to be like that. i don't even have any feelings of anticipation towards what's going to take place tomorrow. i don't know why i'm going so early for. true enough, i have a lot of time to waste, but not in that kind of context i guess. what the hell does mayday mean to me? nothing at this point of time. at least thinking about being able to see them perform tomorrow doesn't make me feel any better. maybe i just need some time to calm down and think about everything once again. maybe i didn't manage to cry enough last night. and the night before. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 09:13 p.m. [ ]

friday | 05 08 2005

ok be prepared for a round of endless ramblings from me with regards to my driving test. =) everything started off fine.. no rain good car. somehow during my warm up drive i didn't feel nervous anymore so everything went well.. =) then i got picked for test route 7! wah the warm up drive was also test route 7 can u believe it? and it's like my 2nd favourite route XD then my instructor seemed nice so i really wasn't nervous anymore.. =) so here goes my mistakes in chronological order (as far as i can remember lah).. circuit directional change required additional reverse movement: 1st time FREE XD BUT THEN when i started reversing 2nd time failed to confirm safety (didn't look behind again): -4 = = rolled back less than 1M on the slope.. -2 road insufficient acceleration (also dunno when lah seems like everytime = =): 1st time FREE XD very late braking: -4 FAILED TO KEEP A SAFE FOLLOWING DISTANCE x2: -12 TMD FAILED TO SLOW DOWN WHEN APPROACHING ROAD HAZARDS: -6 KNS failed to check blindspot x3: 1st 2 times free, 3rd time -4 (tmd so bu ke qi lah) aiyah alot of other petty mistakes like fail to check this check tt altogether got 34 points.. can you believe it.. the highest i've got was only 30pts.. (excluding the 2 imme failures time lah = =) conclusion: i hate myself. tmd lah this really sucks.. knowing that everything was good but YOU are the one who spoiled it.. so what if no rain good car nice tester.. you youself wanna go make those mistakes who can stop you.. =( and the things that cost me to fail all boil down to one issue.. FAILING TO BRAKE IN GOOD TIME. =( sigh tmd lah i hate myself lah. my retest would be in oct (KNN) but i don't feel like taking any revision lessons.. i'm really bankrupt.. =( i just hope i can get an earlier date.. =( ninchan got smitten over mayday at 03:07 p.m. [ ]

thursday | 04 08 2005

不想去睡,因爲不想迎接明天的到來.星期五和星期六的事,頓時變得不重要.想放棄一切的心理又開始作祟.原來這一切都是報應. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 12:06 a.m. [ ]

wednesday | 03 08 2005

以前的我們在別人眼裡好像很幸福美滿,會永遠在一起,可是我們彼此都知道我們之間的破洞已經不能再補了. the cracks were just too big and deep. 一直努力去試著挽回、彌補也都沒有用.彼此之間的信任弄丟了,懷疑加深了,不安也開始佔據整顆心.就連一直深信只要彼此還愛著對方就能繼續走下去的我也被打敗了. 我現在的心情好矛盾.一方面很後悔也很討厭自己沒能去好好珍惜你,好好的愛你,因爲我知道我再也找不到向你這麽好的人,像你這樣愛我的人.可是另一方面也知道自己解脫了,以後要做什麽也不必對誰交代,也不用感到拘束. 現在的你又是什麽感覺呢? 我現在只想緊緊地抱住你,然後很認真地跟你說一聲對不起,是我辜負了你.只希望你會相信我.這將會是最後一次了,因爲以後的我,再也沒有能力讓你傷心.對不起我愛你. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 11:51 p.m. [ ]

saturday | 30 07 2005

oh man i cant believe it! i managed to book a 5th Aug practical test slot! NEXT WEEK! even before mayday is coming! gosh i'm so damn excited now! >///< though i honestly have no confidence in myself to pass in my first attempt =_= BUT nonetheless.. I MUST DO MY BEST! the feeling is so contradictory. i'll be nervous because i'd be scared of making mistakes, but the more nervous i am, the more mistakes i end up making. that's how it's like when i'm with the strict instructor i don't like and during my assessment. 2 immediate failures even before i manage to get out of the circuit? >_< but if i hadn't made those 2 immediate failures, i'd only have got 14 demerit points! and that would have been a pass! ok whatever. XD i'm even more excited about driving than mayday coming now! totally no mood for school. haha. esp after the upset yesterday. NUS CORS system is screwed man. =( wanted to change my bids at like 5 mins before the bidding closes, but the stupid systme was so freakin' slow by the time i managed to connect to the bidding page, the bidding was already closed. TMD. to think i had told myself i must work hard for a double major. LOL. dreams lah. XDDD oh some 'lucky' things that happened to me yesterday. i actually managed to call in to news radio 93.8 in the afternoon yesterday for a quiz thing, and won a prize worth $79. don't know what's it exactly, but it's from ralph lauren, cant be bad? XD then during driving, i saw 'leon lim yu zhi' appear on the car allocation screen, and was like O_O. then it was really that jue dui superstar guy [out le =(]! i even pointed his car out to my instructor and he saw it (oops). quite 'you3 yuan2' 'cause there were many times when our cars were close each other. LOL. my instructor now thinks that i'm a crazy fangirl. but hey i'm just excited over seeing someone semi-famous. ^^||| and he looks quite good. hoho. k driving test on 5th aug, and mayday on 6th aug! woohoo! someone up there loves me. =) ninchan got smitten over mayday at 07:41 p.m. [ ]

monday | 18 07 2005

went to K lunch w leong rj and ah peh today. somehow i feel kinda bad 'cause they're not familiar with some of the songs i sing and i end up 'hogging' the thing. =S and i can play a song just to see someone's face appear for like 1 second. XD but hey! Kbox has so what's songs! i was so excited when i saw it! XD and they have zayin's cherry times and unfinished melody, both of which i chose to sing 'cause i havent seen the MV before. XD but they don't think Matt's cute @@ do i have weird taste =_= had one driving lesson today, kinda screwed it up by stalling the car many times >_< and my U-turn cmi. never check blindspot -2, verve off course -4, wrong lane positioning -2, drive into wrong lane -4 still NOT SO BAD. but.. strike / mount kerb immediately failure =_= argh i hate the new cars =_= the feel of the clutch and accelerator is different to that of the old cars. the gear shift too. so it's not my fault. =( but i think if i do manage to get a licence, i'll be those kind of driver who others will overtake and start scolding "female driver! no wonder lah!" >_< just hope that auto car will be more friendly to me. got free movie tix so going to watch man of the house with my sister later! XD btw i haven't accepted Eusoff Hall's offer to stay in the hall and today's the last day to do so. =) and mayday will be coming on 4th it seems. NUS flag day? compulsory? then i'll sell flags at airport, and then at orchard. XD ninchan got smitten over mayday at 06:55 p.m. [ ]

saturday | 16 07 2005

got a letter from Eusoff Hall. sigh. i really don't know if i want to stay in hostel. in the first place i don't even feel like going to uni, starting to feel a sense of loss. and there're so many things i have to start doing. accept eusoff hall (if i decide to stay in), go for health checkup, move in eusoff hall (ditto), go for matriculation, various orientation talks, eusoff hall camp (ditto), etcetc. and it seems like i have to start bidding for modules now? O_o used to tell myself that it's alright that sch's starting since it means tt mayday's coming too. but that was when i thought sch was starting on 1st aug and i could slack all the way till then. boohoo. and i'll have to cancel driving lessons. argh so hard to plan. uni life sounds =S. or maybe it's just me. sigh. AND there's some rag and flag day thingy on 6th aug. i don't know what's that but i really hope it's not a whole sch event.. though i think it is. i don't want to take part! i want to go see mayday! >_< but then again, if i don't stay in hostel, quite a lot of those things could be omitted and i can save myself alot of time. period. but staying in hostel is really not so cheap either. and there's no air-con. no personal bathroom. no computer. just CONVENIENCE. dammit i so feel like telling my dad "why don't you just give me the money you would have had to pay for the hostel, and i'll use it for cab fare." XD time for another round of family discussion =_= maybe i've really got used to such a life. after all, in these 8 months, i only worked for like 3 months max? was holidaying, then slacking. even studying for japanese placement test was enough to kill me, and it was things that i had already knew. what about new things? >_< i don't want to grow up. ninchan got smitten over mayday at 05:37 p.m. [ ]

thursday | 14 07 2005

argh i wonder what i did to have such two bad days in a row. and i'm so traumatised now! >_< went for NUS japanese placement test yesterday. because of the jlpt 2 cert which i passed by fluke 3 yrs ago, i was made to do the test paper for jap 5 / business jap, which is the 2nd hightlest level nus offers if i'm not wrong. the paper was not THAT bad, though i could have filled in much more things correctly if i didn't lose touch with Japanese. but the worst was the oral interview. =_= it was worse than AO level oral! total embarassment. sheesh. and today! car number 13 for my 13th lesson. should have sensed something wrong =_= stupid VAN! horn me, make me so shocked + scared that i stalled the engine, then you bang me! >_< stupid driver! though my instructor kept telling me it wasnt my fault but i still think that i was somehow at fault 'cause i got scared too easily, shouldnt be stalling my car at this time. =( then now everytime i see a car follow closely behind i'll be how scared lah. =( stupid stupid things. not as if my driving isn't bad enough. argharghargh. just hope such things won't happen again. oh but then again i called in to 933 at 1am this 'morning'. so maybe bad luck wasnt with me all the way XD||| was so shocked. hee. but i was so stunned i didn't know what to say. but well nice experience lah XD ninchan got smitten over mayday at 07:46 p.m. [ ]

thursday | 14 07 2005

out of sheer boredom XD mouseover to see who's who, click on pic for larger picture.. =) shall upload other technician's photos (actually i only have one more XD) sometime later cuz it's not in this com XD btw they're mayday's technicians (ji shi), they help them adjust their instruments (tiao yin) before their performances.. and they help out during concerts as well as during recordings.. =) ignore me i'm just bo liao =_= ninchan got smitten over mayday at 12:00 a.m. [ ]

monday | 13 06 2005

我好傻。事到如今還在假裝。難道我就真得無法在任何人面前把真正的自己顯示出來嗎？ 我覺得好寂寞，好像這世上就只有我一個怪胎的想法跟其他人不同。我做的事，說的話，到底有誰能明白其中的原因？感覺上就連自己也很懊惱。 說你不了解我並不是在怪你，而是在恨自己爲什麽就是無法打開心房，好好的把心事說給真正關心自己的人。防備的那道墻仍舊無法被打倒。還是我自己沒信心？ 其實到了現在，一切都已不重要了吧。應該要振作起來，重新找尋自己的夢想，走向不同的未來。 未完的旋律 by zayin 我無法 去控制自己的思緒 可以不用想妳 才會讓自己沉溺在淚水裡 不想找 所謂的替代品 來代替你 因為沒有人能夠像妳 總是以為妳還在我的身旁 陪我渡過那陰冷的時光 但卻發現這一切都只是心中的幻想 哼著那首未完的歌曲 後悔當初這樣輕易讓妳離去 如今那旋律裡有我有妳 但 沒有了結局 總是以為妳還在我的身旁 陪我渡過那陰冷的時光 但卻發現這一切都只是心中的幻想 現在的妳會是在誰的身旁 想到這裡不禁變得憂傷 難道我們真的要走著那不同的方向 哼著那首未完的歌曲 後悔當初這樣輕易讓妳離去 如今那旋律裡有我有妳 但 沒有了結局 我無法 去面對思念的恐懼 只能選擇逃避 ninchan got smitten over mayday at 11:51 p.m. [ ]

sunday | 12 06 2005

nothing to do so here i am. =_= today's been a bad day. and i cant seem to control my emotions anymore. i just flare up and start banging the table and just feel like shouting. good thing it's anger so i won't resort to self-hurt. 心中的思緒好亂.好迷惘,都不知道人生的方向在哪. 不知道爲了什麽而活,應該爲了什麽而繼續奮鬥下去. 整個感覺就是空虛.一天一天的慢慢虛度光陰,慢慢的被自己怠惰的個性打敗. 立志要做的事都不知去向了. i guess i'm really fated to be a failure. since even i myself cannot be bothered to do anything with it. life has never been cruel to me. i was the one who has always been cruel to myself, making myself regret about everything that could have been better. all those that happened were once within my control, but i chose to let them go. 好後悔 好傷心 想重來 行不行 我願意付出所有來換一個時光機 ninchan got smitten over mayday at 05:42 p.m. [ ]

thursday | 09 06 2005

firstly, sorry to the few people who've been coming here to check for new posts, but i don't have much to say, so i'll only update as and when i'm going to explode and need an outlet to do so.. so it's actually good if i don't have posts. ^^ been feeling very empty recently.. i don't know what i'm doing with my life.. there's still about two months before the start of university, but i'm not doing anything, just slacking at home all day long.. there're just so many things i can do but i just cant be bothered to do them. i need to tidy my sister's room, my room as well as the living room, then i need to tidy up the files i have in the computer, then i'll have to settle things for university, then comes my driving stuffs.. i'm just putting everything off and i really wonder how i'm going to survive when it comes to university. i just feel like locking myself up in my room, blast Zayin's songs and cry. that's all i ever know to do. do things that make myself regret, make myself feel what a failure i am in life and cry. i never knew how to make myself feel better about myself. one failure after another, but i just continue to make make them over and over again. my dad was telling me about how clever this cousin of mine is and has a chance to go to US for some immersion thingy. i figured out he was telling me to spite me, and i hated it. i felt like rebutting "but my sister's so much better, who cares about that cousin" (i hate all my relatives on my dad's side) but after all, it's my sister. there's nothing in my life worth bring proud of. i'm just a failure. i'm always dreaming about things and painting pictures of how i want my life to be, but i never put them into action and start trying to accomplish them. it's times like this that really make me wonder why i'm still in this world. there's nothing that can make me going, only things that make me regret about what i've done. sometimes i wish that we could erase all the happy memories in life. so that there wouldn't be things that you can think about and start hating how things have become. and without those happy times, you wouldn't be complaining about how things are now. who we are by Zayin 濒 废铭膉憨 店ほ丁柑 т碝 妮и 钮ǎ羘 This is what I am, This is what I really want. ノ帝ē粂 This is who we are, This is what we really want. 篊篊綼 ぃ耞綼 и稰谋睲眶 Where we are 発ぃ硂碍よ и刚帝璶泵叉 瞷龟┮Τ What we are 琌琌碍琌痷琌安 и刚帝璶靡 Τぱи岸 禗и WHO WE ARE 癵ア 店礚钠殆 稱钩丁柑 帝 и 砆籯 琌ぱ绑琌夯 What am I ? Is this heaven or is this hell. иΝだぃ睲 Something is blindung me, I can't even tell. 篊篊綼 ぃ耞綼 и稰谋 ぃ発磷 禗и 硂琌ぐ或碍よ 秅綝ち ぃ琌и ┮剪眡ê妓 и 跑弧ぃ杠 フ ぐ或暗 店鞍安 Where we are 発ぃ硂碍よ и刚帝璶泵叉 瞷龟┮Τ What we are 琌琌碍琌痷琌安 и刚帝璶靡 硂?#124;иτ岸 禗и Where we are 禗и WHO WE ARE ninchan got smitten over mayday at 09:08 p.m. [ ]

sunday | 17 04 2005

hmmm i received NTU's letter of acceptance into psychology.. and i'm in such a dilemma.. i want to get into NUS FASS.. so NTU psychology was like a 'back-up'. i haven't got NUS' letter yet, but part of me wishes i'd get it, part of me wishes against it.. sigh cuz in NUS you choose your major in 2nd yr.. so if i don't do well, i may not be able to do psy.. =X but for NTU it's confirmed i'll be doing psy.. WHATEVER. mayday craze a bit over? it's cow craze now. LOL. i still can't believe where i got the courage to shout "huang niu ni hao shuai" lah. i must be crazy. overly excited. sigh. one week late in posting this anw. haha. two more weeks of work! and i'm free! and one more month to tw! XP ninchan got smitten over mayday at 01:58 a.m. [ ]

saturday | 26 03 2005

i'm beginning to lead the life of a lazy bum.. as of today.. =X i gave up on dieting by succmbing to the temptation of tidbits and chocolates, i'm eating to my heart's content.. SHEESH. i don't want to have to lose all those weight by exercising but i can't stop eating! >_< it's either eateateat then runrunrun or controlcontrolcontrol and slackslackslack. =_= ninchan got smitten over mayday at 06:38 p.m. [ ]

sunday | 13 03 2005

每个人对未来都有美好的憧憬.. 尤其是现阶段, 周遭的朋友开始讨论想在大学选修的课程, 可以发觉他们对于自己的未来抱着什么希望… 会很感动, 也很疑惑, 为什么人可以为了梦想而不顾一切的勇往直前呢? 那股力量、毅力到底从哪里来? 因为我从没尝试过为了梦想而奋斗… 以前曾有过好多梦想,曾真心希望它们会实现,也有努力过,但遇到瓶颈时就无法再走下去了。是自己太轻易就放弃了吗? 可是我就是找不到力气走下去,宁愿放弃梦想… 很多时候,并不是想放弃,而是不知道该如何走下去。就像现在一样, 我真的好想把心底话都告诉你,说我有多想陪你走完这人生旅程, 但心里也明白可能性有多小, 因为我没有那么大的力气把我们之间的隔阂拆掉。 或许在那天来临之前, 我们就只能做朋友, 并在每晚睡觉之前痛哭一回吧? 对不起。 ninchan got smitten over mayday at 12:12 a.m. [ ]

saturday | 12 03 2005

oh wow.. this thing has been stagnant for so long.. since i'm online pretty often maybe i should start updating this on a more frequent basis.. =) will have to start getting readers again though. haha. =) A levels was shit. sigh. guess i only have myself to blame.. it hurts to cry for something u knew was within your control, but since it's over, crying really doesn't help i guess.. just hope i can really learn a lesson from it this time and work hard for what i really want next time.. i hope things won't just be a dream to me.. =) mayday will be coming to sgp in april.. sheesh. really hope my fren will be able to get the job where we'll be able to go backstage and be assts to those celebrities.. then we'll have a chance to get up close w mayday.. but well since this is not within our control, shan't think too much about it. =) guess i must really learn to let go.. so many things inside me that are pressing me down, don't know exactly what, but they're just hurting me somehow.. maybe life really sucks.. the worst part to me is that of you not being able to even choose whether you had wanted to come into this world, yet have to face it now.. but well, maybe the wonderful part of life has not come yet.. we'll all have to work for it, don't we? what we want our lives to be, it is essentially up to us to make it come true, yeah? =) guess that was an attempt at trying to make myself feel better. =X sigh. anyway new layout is sitting in my comp, just some finishing touches to be made.. hope it can be up soon.. =) PS: thanks to you for reading! =) be nice and leave a comment? XP ninchan got smitten over mayday at 12:34 a.m. [ ]