YAY!!! *hugs sister* i got your present!!!! =D it's so cute!!! both the whale and the xiaolongbao.. =D but the whale is so expensive! (it states 1380 yen on the tag) >.< i'll put it on my bed don't worry.. ;) hee. thanks so much.. *muacks*
i'm one happy soul now.. =D
[add-on] argh. just saw the prices of the thingies on the envelope.. so u spent like ~USD50 on me birthday.. *sobs* *huggles* thanks a million. i love you! hee. :)
i feel so irresponsible.. =( cuz alot of pple are sick at the camp too, but they're still there.. while i'm rotting at home.. argharghargh. and somehow, i feel as though i'm under HQO. -_- n/m, i'll go and help them tmr. =) then can help them clean up. by tmr, my temp should be <37.0, headache gone, diarrhea gone and appetite back. =D and dammit i hate menstrual cramps. now i know why all my girl frens always complain about it. >.< this is gonna be the first and last time i'm gonna put up with this rubbish. hoho. =D i'm getting crazy again. ^^; but this time it's not because of my fever, it's because if something else that happened. =)
hmmm, didn't know the lousy digital thermometer everyone got FOC can actually register such a high reading for a person.. haha. 38.8 degrees.. it was 37.8 before i took a nap.. thanks lor.. and somehow the water in my house tastes weird.. to be honest i've never drank plain water at home in my entire life.. no matter what there'd always be milo.. haha.. even newater is nicer.. sigh. think i'm becoming a little incoherent. =/
hope i'll get well for friday's camp.. or i'll be missing out on alot of fun i think.. haha.. and perhaps it'd be inconvenient for the com to rearrange the various i/cs.. sigh.
haven't fallen sick for a v long time.. cuz my immune system is relatively high, once i get sick, it's usually rather serious.. and my parents don't believe in visiting doctors.. they think it's just a waste of money.. argh.
anyway, it's rather fun measuring my temp time after time, seeing the temp go up to so high.. haha.. guess i'm bored.. or maybe the fever's making me go crazy.. not like i already am not.. hoho. -_-
wah ji.. (said in the maffy way) spent a hell lot of time re-doing this stupid thing cuz stupid problems cropped up and html-illiterate me took a long time to find out where i made a mistake.. sigh..
anyway.. i'll be doing all my layouts again because i'll have to rearchive them.. yep.. so shitty.. but anyway.. here's bubbles of dreams for a start.. =)
ps: i hate jap. >.<
hee. i got a web host! =D my sister! hoho. no strings attached. ^^; i may be moving, or i may continue using pitas.. most prolly i'll cont using pitas 'cause i'm too lazy and lousy to learn how to use sth new.. (hafta use MT if i move) but anyways, days of black white and grey are going to be over soon.. yay! =)
thanks to everyone who commented.. =) feel so shitty.. like trying to bo qu tong qing.. once again.. ^^;
well, haven't been updating much cuz there isn't much to say, and this page needs archiving but i don't usually archive until i get a new layout so.. the easy way would be to convert all black to white and white to black but that's besides the point. =p
but thanks pple for popping by.. dun feel so p00pified and shittified after all.. hee. =D will try to stay happy! =D
hmmm. just a question to test several stuffs. what do you pple think about me? good points bad points, pls keep them coming. =) thanks.
to see how many pple still visit this dead thingy; to see what pple think of me (duh); to see who cares; to see whether my existence matters. =) been thinking that my disappearance would not mean anything to anyone lately. argh. confused. if i sat quietly in a corner, would anyone notice i'm there? only 3 pple cared. =( i think i put too much emphasis on such minute rubbish. should place my time and energy elsewhere. sigh.
(yar i know this is a bit late..)
haha. from 10th to 8th, but we're out of the value-added thingy. oops. this actually means we did lousier than our seniors; we did better cuz the students who came in had higher psle scores. >.< feel like a baka. haha.
终于忍不住，又哭了。为什么爱一个人会那么辛苦？为什么会反复地让自己受伤害？你，总是视而不觉、听而不闻。我哭泣的时候，无论是不是为你，你非但无法使我更好过，反而会让我的泪越流越多。
一次又一次的等待，好累。为什么每一次都要我明确地告诉你。你才会发现我有些不对劲呢？莫非你跟他们全部都一样，认为我是个乐天派，天塌下来也当被盖？好可笑.
好想死。如果勇气是个可以购买的物品，我会用我所有的钱把它买下，杀了家里那两个混蛋，然后再自杀。不。在那之前还要把所有罪该万死的臭三八杀了。那些总是缠着他不放的死三八。
so funny. ain't i a bitch too? so what right have i to call others one? haha. BITCH. dammit lah. why is it wrong to kill someone? what if i let someone else kill me? FUCK. i wanna die. and my last wish before i die, would be to die. sigh. how stupid. you see, we live life only once, so we should live it to our fullest; but don't we die only once too? why can't we choose how we want to die, and not die like a piece of shit? damn. screw the world.
i was reading some people's blog, and thought that maybe from now on, i should treasure all that i have and not complain about the minor things that go wrong.. honestly, the problems i have are so minor.. somehow i guess i just want to bo2 qu3 tong2 qing2 so i blow up my problems and wait for pple to come and comfort me.. that's so.. i dunno how to say. all i know is that i hate such people. =(
i really don't know why i should even complain about my life.. my parents are really very nice to me, just that i don't like them to so-called control me (when they're just caring), so i shout at them everytime they try to know more about me.. and i guess everything just builds up.. cuz i don't tell them anything, they don't know me at all, and they don't know how to please me, and end up pissing me off unknowingly.. and i just act like a effing bitch in front of them.. so many times i cried because of this, but somehow, i just don't know how to start building the relationship.. after all, i'm so big, and have grown up to not rely on them at all.. =(
he's so nice to me, yet i always take advantage of it.. always venting my anger on him when it has nothing to do with him.. then when he lets me have my way, i become more demanding, and start bitching.. i really hate myself at times.. or rather, most of the times.. i have so many people around me who care, but i only know how to take them for granted.. and when i realise that i've lost them, it's already too late..
somehow, i'm starting to be happier.. or rather, i don't pretend that much anymore.. it just hurts.. and i really dunno why people wanna pretend.. doesn't it hurt them? and don't they know that it hurts those around them too? sometimes, i see pple sadsad, but i just dunno how to console them, and its like i have no right to care about them cuz i'm not v close to them also.. then it'd be so fake to tell them "smile k?" cuz it's like asking them to pretend.. haiz. i really wonder how pple do it.. like how YE managed to cheer me up on mon.. or maybe.. it's really up to the person to accept other's consolation and be determined to stay happy.. *shrugs* dunno lah.. everyone's human anyway..
oh, i wanna study dunno what human behaviour next time.. no more psychologist.. lol. think i v fickle.. last time it's what lawyer (crap lah), then social worker (counsellor! =D), then psychologist.. now i also dunno what i'm going to be.. i also nv go check up on the human behaviour researcher rubbish.. lol. but i guess it'll be kinda scary lah.. you know about pple, then you know abt yourself too.. maybe will beng kui.. LOL.
think i off to crapping mode liao.. getting late liao.. wah, tmr no need go school.. only day of the week leh.. so shuang.. but i v scared i'll waste it away.. somemore i have to go out to get stuffs for pple.. sigh. must try. =)
to end off, i'll add the quote i always tell pple.. lol. "Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. " =) shine while you have the ability to.. ^_^
i'm starting to believe in those crappy chain letters (or email for that matter). they say that your love will start to hate you or whatever if you don't send it to a certain number of people. i never ever forward emails. and my world is starting to crash on me. so many things to do. but i just don't know how to do them. i feel like a fool. i am a fool. i always push people away from me.
i just wanna cry. and cry and cry and cry. it's all coming back. i dun want to do anything but cry. so many times, i had to stop myself from crying just so that i can try to get to sleep. it sucks. i thought those days are over. i thought i was happy. i thought i changed for the better. i thought so. if only i can really think.
i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. I HATE MYSELF. i hate myself. i hate myself. and no, i don't hate the world. life does not suck. neither does the world. the problems lie with me. i'm such a loser. i hate myself. ****
i love you.
hehz. hisashiburi dane. it's been more than 3 weeks. sorry for those who (used to) frequent here. i think i'm gonna close this blog down.. haven't archived for AGES. don't have the blogging feeling anymore. =( and i've finally succeeded in cutting down on net time. =D
somehow, i've become more able to keep everything inside? like, i don't explode, but let everything out bit by bit.. i guess it's a good thing. and there's so many things to do in so little time, there's hardly any time to think about things and brood over them.. hee. i wonder when was the last time i cried to sleep. lol.
i think i've really changed. sucks. i've become so selfish. as in, more selfish than i was. i mean, looking at those around me, so many of them only care about themselves and don't even care when the things they do screw up others' lives, why should i? it's like, as long as i'm unaffected, then nothing else matters. and somehow, i really wish it can be like that. that we lead our own lives, and we don't have to think about what others feel, and what happens to ourselves is all that matters. but it's impossible. what the hell made me so cynical. =(
everytime i change, i wish i can be like who i was. this time, i really really hate who i am now. because it not only affects me, but those around me. i want to be a kid. to be able to think like a kid, at least. then maybe i can be more real. >.<
jap orals sucked. screwed up. it's like, i know what to say, but i forgot. because i've been out of touch with jap for hell long. i could only express myself in words we learnt in sec 1?? damn lor. really time to study. I'M GOING TO (waste time to) STUDY JAP. DAMN IT. and even if i can study, i can only get a B? because my standard has become a D now. sucks. and i was still dreaming about that ambassador cup last yr. cheh.
august's coming to an end. =/ so dead. hope we can go out on friday.
to all who're here and need it.. *huggles* seems like a lot of people are very stressed out by i-dunno-what.. haiz. there're many people out there who care about you.. and no matter what, life still goes on. so just move on~ making up my mind and trying my very best to be stargirl.. =)
i guess xh was right.. the problems i have are problems everyone face, just that i magnify them, thus i break down more easily.. =( must learn not to take things so seriously.. =) but i guess if i work all day round, i'll just be so numb towards everything else, though i'd be totally drained..
today sucked.. it's like, i've totally changed.. instead of doubting others, i have completely no trust in myself, and let others do everything. suddenly became so scared of everything.. and i was slacking like hell when everyone was slogging away.. that sucked.. i was like, damn guilty after that.. >.< and i'm so cold to everyone? the me who wants to be isolated from everyone seems to be taking charge.. and i'm starting to dislike people just because of some things they did, things that offend me just because. so unreasonable. so useless. maybe this is me.
i hate the feeling i have now.. and i don't dare to tell anyone.. this has never happen before.. i tried to control it, but i just couldn't.. such things just have to happen i guess.. (can try guessing what i'm talking about but i'm not telling. not directly) and now, i'm preventing myself from falling deeper.. if it was in the past, i would have just let my emotions take over me.. but i can't do so now.. sucks. i feel like asking him for advice but i know he'd ask me to do things that i don't want to.. he knows so many things, but he's just so cynical..
i cried so many times today.. more of tearing i guess.. because of things i mentioned in the second and third para.. bullshit about wanting to be like a guy.. i can't even cope as the weaker sex.. i'm worse than a weakling. i hate girls. members of the weaker sex. me.
ps: thanks xizzy.. don't worry about me, i'll make it through everything.. =)
so many questions. no answers. don't know how to get them. all i know is to wonder. and wonder.
why do people change overnight? or rather, how can people change overnight? what an incredible feat.
tell me, what's wrong with thinking i suck? when it's a fact? what's wrong with feeling as though i'm not worth it? do you know why i feel this way? because i never get the feeling that i ought to deserve anything. i just don't get it? why is it wrong when we have feelings that we don't even have control over? maybe it only applies to me because i'm such a freak. having such warped thoughts about everything. so naive. whatever. i hate myself.
i think going to school helps a hell lot. i felt like, damn sore when i went to school this morning. didn't even know why i went to school. then i was like bochuping everyone. asking them not to care about me. giving them some lan jiao bin. sigh. so foolish. i guess they do care. or rather, there are people out there who care. [thanks xiz =)]
then fatso managed to cheer me up in class. lol. forgot what he talked about. but he's always full of cok. and he was like "you must smile the whole day" even when i was taking my temperature (hoping it would soar to over 37.5 -_-) he said i had to smile. ^^;
then i felt better.. just that i was damn tired the whole day i felt very sian about everything. and the circle of trust helped. i hope everyone feels the same as me.. or better. =)
best of all was what i had at the end of the day. some time to spend with you. =) at least now, things are more or less resolved.. and it made me feel so relieved.. at least i know i still have the ability to cheer you up.. =)
shouldn't be blogging much.. have more or less succeeded in not being hooked online.. hee. oh, i got FOFO for block tests. =D and A2 for clao. haha. sucks lah. =( but at least i'm trying now.. doing my tutorials.. (classmates were shocked today when i could answer some physics thingy =D) trying my best to revise stuffs.. just that >.< got hell lot of stuffs.. darn. everytime i put my mind down onto doing something, other things happen and everything gets messed up and i'll be back to square one. =| help.
nobody cares, nobody bothers. the people you think are close to you don't give a damn about you, and the people who aren't close to you seem to care more. and some people can tell how you feel and know the exact problem when they're mere acquaintances, while your closest friends (or so you think) have no idea about what you feel and think that you're happy just because you seem so. what a big lie everyone is living.
-_- i dropped my earring.. sheesh.. sigh.. argh.. damn. new one somemore.. haiz.. bAh.
screwed up my chinese orals.. said something wrong then went "i mean, sorry.." and the teacher started scribbling. -_- damn lah, i must speak more mandarin or i'll die.. >.<
block tests over liao.. muahahaha. think i'm gonna die when the results get mailed home. confirm lor. i'm only confident of getting 'O' for maths. other than that, it's all F. FOFF. =D CLAO different case. but seeing how i screwed my oral, i think at most C. haha. GP.. D happy liaoz.
must start to mug liao. damn. yihua mugging? wow. forget it. the sky won't fall. hee.
You are concerned with your image and how others perceive you. You are busy concentrating on being the best at whatever you do, and this has led you to ignore emotional issues altogether. You are often uncomfortable with your feelings for others. This can lead to frustration with yourself and confusion in your relationships, especially with those who find it easier to communicate than you do.
You ultimately feel that you need to hold yourself back from being involved with other people. The problem is that the more you supress your true self, you're becoming a ticking time-bomb of pastelly-painted OOC emotions. If this happens, you will scare people by groping others or doing the tango. Prevent the inevitable by letting out your feelings out a little at a time. Laugh a little, cry a little. Tell a couple secrets. You're not as scary as you think you are.
Warning: As doujinshi Zoro, you need your own personal space. If your personal space is invaded, perhaps by a well-meaning Luffy-type who just wants to take a bath together, you may exhibit outbursts or strange and disturbing behavior, including bleeding of the nose and discomfort in the haramaki. Please keep your urges in check by taking a break every now and then and staying close to a Nami-type for safety. In some cases, we would all rather you kept your loveable sexual repression. Thank you.
You are most compatible with: a Luffy-type who will take your love very seriously. You are also kind of sexually repressed, a Nico-type could help you um, deal with your hangups.
how naive can one get. if only i can forget just like that. if only we can be like how we used to be. if only.
if i had already forgotten, i wouldn't be sitting in front of the computer doing nothing. waiting for you to come online. even though i don't even want to talk to you. i just want to feel your presence. know that you're there. how bad can that get?
i didn't study the whole of yesterday. which was supposed to be my second day of studying. i haven't studied at all today. and i'm just going to die tonight. or i can choose to slack away my future. if i even have one. and you? you're wishing you can be me. when you're already much better than me. don't be naive.
we can never ever be like how we used to be. because we chose not to. i stress, chose.
i want to study. i want i want i want. but i just can't. i hate myself.
lucky for me, it's going to be over in just 4 days. clao on saturday does not count.
LOL. jetdeau, guess what? i downloaded finding nemo and it turned out to be fight club!!! haha!
"kuai le shi xuan ze". (happiness is a choice) so i'm choosing to be happy now. it's all over anyway, why do i have to care? hee. ^_^
bAh. one more day.. hehz. guess what? i've only finished like 3 out of ARGH number of notes for physics, and i haven't touched any other subject! and i didn't prepare my speech for jap! and for jap, it's my AO level exam! woah! -_- argharghargh. i think i'm going crazy. tmr night, i shall be shouting like hell. once again. sigh. =(
sigh.. i just don't get it.. why are you forcing people to go when they don't want to? just for the sake of seeing many people there, thinking that the spirit is still alive? would you rather have less people but have a good time, or have more people and yet complain that everyone is not enthu and the whole thing's very sian? i'd rather the former..
some people are just so naive. and i really pity them. and hope that they can grow up one day. and i realised something.. people who are optimistic are actually people who refuse to accept the fact that bad things do happen once in a while.. and are people who choose to escape from reality.. it's just how i feel.. because i think i used to be someone like that. or rather, i still am someone like that. sad.
i lied. i'm so not ok. i was still trying so hard to convince myself i'm ok. telling myself it all didn't matter. but in actual fact, everything matters. everything. because i still love you. even more than i used to.
it feels so pain. it's never hurt so so so much before. never. because i've finally learnt to let go. maybe not completely. but i'll try to.
i love you. and i finally found my answer. just that it's too late. i realised everything too late. i was too selfish. sorry's the only thing i can say. cuz i don't know what else to say. and i don't know if i should be happy for you. that you've let go.
*hugz* thanks for being there.
argh. my friend told me his friend reads my blog. and commented that there were many 'fuck's. a lot meh? only 7 in my friday-da-13th entry. fuck has become like, part of my daily vocab. and perhaps it's being overused. oops. but because it's being used so much, it has lost it's meaning.. to me at least.. such that i don't feel a thing when i hear it, and i don't care when i use it.. *shrugs*
anyway, that's besides the point. the thing is i realised that my blog is actually rather.. open? actually no leh.. it's not really linked by a lot of sites.. and i don't think people actually know i have a blog and want to track it down unless i tell them.. and i don't see why people would want to tell my blog addy to others.. argh. think i should be changing addy soon.. though i really love this blog.. =( bAh.
想回到过去.. why must people change.. why must i change.. i just wish i can be who i used to be.. so optimistic, chirpy, noisy.. but i guess, at that time, it was because i didn't have any worries.. life was just.. life. nothing more, nothing less. now, life is full of shit.. and it lacks happiness (screw my vocab). i can hardly think of anyone i know who's actually happy.. sigh. this is life..? and it's gonna be worse in future.. no?
i miss you.. i miss us. how we used to be. and things are so different now.. and even if we were friends, things would not be the same.. it hurts. why did we become like this? how did we become like this? i hate it. it just makes me feel that by liking someone, you're losing a friend. a friend so dear to you. like you arewere to me. i lost him, and i've lost you.. just that he's a friend to me now, more or less like how he was, but you're not.. everything feels different, espcially now when i look back at it.. when i read our chat logs..
can we be like how we were? we would have to pretend, right? just like how we were the day before. pretending to chat like how we did before weeverything changed. ihateithateithateit.
and even when i've made up my mind now, things have already changed? because of me? sucks. sorry.
history's repeating itself. i'm cryingcryingcrying. again. for the same reason two years back. because i've lost you. i'm just so scared? of what i don't know.
i love 坏天气. and i lovelovelove IF. too tired to post lyrics. will do that tmr. i hope.
btw, mashi won't be back. sorry dearies. sorry kazuhisa. =p will be coming out with a new layout though. not much different from this black shit, but it'll look neater. and links will be back. =) that's IF i have timeenergywhatever.
"okok. u're entitled to be quiet. fine?
there's nothing wrong w/ u being quiet. just dat pple start to worry and think dat something is wrong.
sigh... i give up. i've tried my best.
sorry... "
kazuhisa? that you? you don't have to be sorry, i should be sorry.
and i don't see why pple have to be worried for me? cuz it's my own fucking life i'm living, nothing to do with them?
i just hate the world. as in, how it is like. i told my friend that i wish can just live on my own, not thinking about what others feel, and he said that i would be no different from a tree. in reply, i said i wish i was a tree. ironic isn't it?
you know, when i'm sad, i'm really sad. cuz like, 85% of the times there's something to make me sad, i manage to hide it and let my joyful self take over me. and when i appear to be sad, it means that no one can cheer me up. cuz i choose not to be happy. not really a choice, but it's just that i can't bring myself to be happy. cuz it'd be too big a lie to live. sigh. whatever.
so to pple out there who actually care, don't. cuz when i'm sad, you caring will piss me off more. honest.
and guess what? i just realised i'm being such a bitch because DAMN IT MY PERIOD'S COMING. pms is really taking over me. and just in case you haven't realised, almost all of the depressing posts are results of me pmsing. how wonderful.
i dislike people who don't know me. and i HATE people who think they know me but actually don't. now i know why i like talking to j. but not you. because you don't know me.
i want to give up. i don't want to do PW. i don't want to study. i don't want to do any of my homework. i want to quit council. i just wanna be a loner, living in a world of my world, not caring about what other people think, what other people have to say.
i seriously don't get it. who are we living for? i'm living for my own god damn sake. because my bloody selfish parents put me into this fucking world. yet i have to do things to satisfy other people. bloody hell. fuck this world.
for all my life, i've never ever studied during holidays. never. the most i do is finish my homework, which as a matter of fact, has never happened before. because i always manage to procrastinate and leave some holy shit out. damn it.
holiday = 'a day of exemption from labour; a day of amusement and gayety'. (from dictionary.com) so why are we slogging our holidays away? and damn the government for taking away one week of our june holidays. PLUCK YEW. ,,|,,
and PW? damn my fucking group. i just don't know why they have to change topics? change TASK? the reason why we chose 'blast from the past' was because we couldn't think of any thing to do for 'synergy'? and after 3 proposals, you're telling me you want to change to 'synergy'? FUCK. just go to hell? and hello, you didn't even ask the opinion of your group leader? then what's the point of appointing a fucking group leader? screw you people.
DAMN. if only i can really just get away with not studying. not doing my homework. not contributing for PW. acting like i'm not a councillor. regretsregretsregrets. how i hate myself. always making fucking choices i end up regretting. and there's just so many people i hate. so many people i don't want to face. and i just don't get one point: WHAT'S SO FUCKING WRONG ABOUT YI HUA BEING QUIET? if you don't know me, just scram and get out of my life, fine? because i don't need any of you hypocrites to screw up my already wonderfully fucked up life. thanks.
i just feel like crying. for no reason? feel so empty. feel like breaking up. can't take it? dunno. feel so stressed. sorry i think i lied.
don't like to think. everytime i think i get myself so confused. then i don't know what i'm thinking about. don't know why i'm thinking so much. and start to give up on everything. start hating myself.
sometimes, i enjoy talking to friends. those whom i talk cok with. cuz they can really cheer me up and make me forget about my problems. even if it's just for a while.
i can't believe it. i'm actually thinking of him? shit me. i really don't know what's wrong with me. i feel like dying.
i really love listening to those sad sad sad sad sad songs. the type about shi lian. because i feel that i've lost everything. i can't counsel / console anyone anymore. i've lost the thing i deem most precious to me. and i don't know since when i became the one people had to cheer up in class. if not for those two guys in my class, i think i would have broken down in class.
i want to be a guy. i hate girls. i hate myself. because i'm a girl.
shiranai. nani mo shiranai. watashi no kimochi, watashi demo shiranai. wareta hougaii? shiranai. shiritakunai. ima, nani wo kagaeteru ka? wakaranai. nandemonai.
i'm writing in jap again. it seems like everytime i feel down, i'm able to express myself in jap. weird. i want to die. i hate everything.
i feel so happy for her.. she seems so so happy.. from all her entries and stuffs.. *hugz fbm* you know, i really wish you can be like this forever.. because everytime i see you write something depressed on your blog, i don't know how to console you, and can't help wondering if you'll get ok or not.. when you feel sad, just think of me val shun siwei aki ano hito and you'll be happy kkk? =)
=( sigh. well, before ranting on, i just want to say that whatever is mentioned in this entry is what i really feel. anything you don't like that appears here, feel free to flame me. leave a comment, sign my gb, flood my inbox.. whatever.
i don't like the 30th. sigh. i've always had this habit of judging people, and i know its a bad trait. but i don't show it. and i'm glad that the people whom i first thought i wouldn't like are the people whom i can get along with now. but there're just some people who i dislike. and it's not because of first impressions. it's because of who they are. sigh. and i really hate it. because i'm not someone who can hide my detest for someone well. or rather, i just show it. =(
after cheering today, when we got back to school, everyone was damn tired and hungry.. and when we were told that we can only eat after our investiture rehearsal, which is at about 7.30, some people just starting complaining / whining.. and it just puts me off. come on, everyone's going through the same thing. you're not the only one? and then, when we were told that we have to stay in school till very late (9+), more people complained.. SIGH. you're staying back for YOUR investiture. i don't see what's wrong with that? and if you were to complain, what about people like estelle, joel, diya and justin? they're not obliged to stay? they don't complain? and the PA/AVA. they helped us so much. yet we didn't even seem grateful. taking our own sweet time to do stuffs. to quote mrs ang, "we don't have all night". even if we do, don't you feel embarrassed having to make other people stay back till so late just for you?
now i know why there're so many people who dislike council. i guess it's true? the council does seem to treat itself like it's the top of everything, and people have to help them with stuffs. somehow or another, i don't feel proud being in council?
i don't dislike council. i love council. i have a passion for it. though i'm not official in it yet. but i just don't like some of the people in there. and i can't imgaine myself working with them. i thought i was the only one who felt like this. but suprisingly, there are people who feel the same as me. honestly, i myself wasn't very happy with staying back so late, especially when i thought we could go home at 7. but i didn't make a noise. (ok, i did complain. about the people who were complaining and pissing me off) i knew that i was staying back for a cause. and i knew that such days would be normal in future.
sigh. wonder how i'll be like next time. i'm not saying i'm perfect or what. and i bet there are people out there who hate me and think that all i say is crap. but i know that all i say is truly what i think, and i'm ready to take all responsibilities for it. or i wouldn't even be so frank. *shrugs*
lets just hope everything goes well for investiture tomorrow. as well as for the rest of this council term. =)
thank you so much. if not for you, i think i'd have went home sulking. *hugz* i love you. =)
i can't even smile when i know everything is over. i can't even force a smile out of myself. what's wrong with me.
i've changed. i don't want to. everytime i change, it's for the worse. and it hurts.
i don't want to be nice anymore. i don't want to care about anyone else anymore. i want to be selfish. i'm not going to console anyone anymore. it doesn't matter to me who's sad and who's not. i just want myself to be happy. i'm not going to let any bastard affect me anymore.
screw this world.
i have so much homework. i don't want to do them. i don't want to go to school. i don't want to go to sleep. because sleeping means the day will come soon. and i don't want tomorrow to come. that's why when i sleep, i don't want to wake up. because i don't want to face the world.
let me die. die die die. i want to die. die die die. i'm tired. from everything. i want to be a kid. i want to run run run. run away from everything. run run run. run run run. cry cry cry. die die die.
confused. i want my sister. but she's sick. i don't want to bother her.
just let me die. die. take my life away.
wish i had all the time in the world, to do all the things i want.
- 晄梡奞渾柧揤懄彨摓棃帶摝旔堦愗丅
- to be able to finish my homework on time.
- to be able to read all the books i want.
- to be able to do stuffs for my friends.
- to be able to keep in touch with my friends.
- and to have enough time to sleep at the end of the day.
wish i had all the money in the world, to buy all the things i want.
- to buy all the books i want to read.
- to buy stuffs for my friends.
- to buy all the food i love to eat.
- and though money can't buy happiness, it definitely can brighten up some people's day.. =)
with money alone but no time, i won't be able to do the things i want to do with the money i have. no time to read. no time to eat. no time to shop. likewise, with only time but no money, i can't do the things i want with the extra time. no money to buy books, no money to shop. therefore, i need both time + money. however, time is limited. no one can wish for more time. therefore, i don't see the point in earning more money. and since everyone has the same amount of time, i don't have to be jealous of anyone. therefore, i'm happy. yay.
i think i'm so bloody crappy. i'm actually forcing myself to think that i'm happy. i hate it. i wanna die. why do i want so much time for anyway. life is full of suffering. why can't i just die.
i need you. i can't wait anymore. i want you to come back now. right now. i want to see you. i want to hug you. i don't want you to leave anymore. you're the only one who i know i can cry on no matter when. i miss you. terribly. i've never felt like this before. it must be because you haven't been back for a long time. and this time, you're gonna stay for less than a month.
i was supposed to be happy. AM supposed to be happy. i feel like a failure. i don't know why either. just felt like this all of a sudden. no special reasons. feel so empty. so lost. so confused.
maybe i really should just let go.
i miss my sister. have been wanting to say this for a long time. so many times i just hope she's there in her room for me to cry to. thanks for your email. i appreciate it. so much. i cried you know? because you said "smile for me please". *hugz*
thanks xizzy. thanks so much for your letter. =) was really surprised.. hee.
i guess it's always when you're at your most depressed state will you know who really cares.. and it just feels so nice.. and you want to get out of that state just for the pple who care, so they will not worry about you anymore..
am in a rather anti-social mode now.. as in, don't really feel like talking to anyone.. just wanna have time for myself, and be my quiet quiet self.. hee. maybe because i'm just tired.. literally, and semi-figuratively.. ^^;
i really wish that i had the courage to admit how i really feel.. but escaping from problems and everything else bad in the world is what i'm best in doing.. haha. but it's time to face up to reality.. maybe i really shouldn't pretend anymore.. sigh. time to embark on the journey to find my real self. yupyup. ^_^
first, to answer dc's qn: i can't be myself because everyone seems to think i'm always so cheerful and noisy. i was very quiet on one day because i was depressed over something, and my friend said it was scary, although it was pleasing to the ear. and everyone will just bombard me with "are you ok?" and i seriously hate it. yar. that should be it.
i hate it. i don't know why i seem to love pretending. pretending that everything is ok. that i don't give a damn about anything. when i just cry and cry at night when i start to think about it. you know what's the worse feeling? when it's like 1am on a weekday, you're damn tired and you're lying on your bed, but you just can't fall asleep because of all the shit that's processing in your mind. every night of the past week has been like that.
i just can't stop myself from thinking of everything's that happened in the past. if only i can throw everything away. always thinking of the impossible. sigh. i'm hopeless.
i feel so insecure. i don't dare to say how i feel. i don't want to make it seem as if i'm being possessive. although i know i am. always was. still am. can't change. it's me after all. but i don't show it. i can't. i don't dare to. it's not my fault when you say you can't sense a thing from what i do / say. because i guess it IS hard to sense it. 'cause i just disguise everything. i tried. i tried to let things out. but i can't. because i know that if i do, i'll just explode.
so many times i want to cry, but just can't. it's so so hurting when you have to hold back your tears. it's been so long since i cried to someone. anyone.
i want a friend. a friend whom i can cry to and won't be asked any questions. like nat. val. carisle. xl. danger. dotspf. and i thought i had a lot of friends.
no one understands me. i think i do. i know myself far too well. maybe that's why i expect so much from others. that when a single actions of theirs show that they do not know me at all, i get upset. so childish. if only i can really grow up. and face the world as it is. and not try to escape from reality. at least now i'm not so addicted to the computer.
well, looking on the brighter side, i got the post i wanted for council.. welfare com treasurer cum locker i/c. =) and knowing that some people are unhappy with the post they've been assigned really pisses me off.. it seems like they joined council for the glamour of it.. that's so superficial.. sigh. guess the world is superficial after all.. that's why i hate it so much..
before i forget, some meaningful (to me) phrases worth taking note of..
一个连自己都不爱的人，还有什么能力真正去爱别人？
或许吧，有时候爱一个人，反而应该给予一片海阔天空的自由。
爱一个人，会让自己学会伤害别人，也会让自己学会被伤害。
i love you. thanks so much. *hugz*
i just started crying to myself. for nothing. i hate myself. like totally.
there're so many people i've been out of contact with. even those who're in the same school as me. let alone those who're not. i hate it. i just wanna die.
i wanna die. i wanna die. i don't get it. what am i living for? there hasn't been a time when i felt truly happy. just happy. since a long time ago.
i hate myself. i don't know why i keep escaping from reality. i just want to ignore the whole world and live in my own world. i don't want to account to anyone. i want to be ME. just me.
i miss you. the times when we talked. the times when i felt simply happy for no reason. even when it was late in the night and i had tons of overdue homework. i just felt like i could forget about everything for that moment. even though it felt bad after i put down the phone. but it didn't matter. because at the very least, i got a taste of happiness.
dammit.
just thought i should add a little something from camp.. shall post the lyrics of the songs the 29th SC sang.. the girls cried.. it was so touching..
what the girls sang for the guys..
remember me this way - jordan hill
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
[chorus]
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
Forever more a part of me, you're everywhere
I'll always care
[chorus]
And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side and all you do
And I won't ever leave
As long as you believe
You just believe
[chorus]
what the guys sang for the girls..
if tomorrow never comes - ronan keating
Sometimes late at night I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Will She ever doubt
The way I feel about her in my heart
[chorus]
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
[chorus]
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
eleco camp was great.. don't really know how to say, but i really enjoyed myself.. and guess i made quite a lot of friends.. =) future council mates.. hee. and i'm praying that we get to change our dance partners.. my dance partner's too "funky yet dignified" for me.. -_-;;
perhaps you won't believe this. not like you ever did believe me. but this entry's for you. though i think you won't be coming here anymore.
i guess, i love you too much for my own good. such that i believe that with me, you'll never be happy. why won't you believe me? ask yourself. have you been happy the past few days? and you promised me you will be happy when we're togehter.
you don't even trust me, right from the start. and you said i didn't trust you. to you, nothing ever started between us, right? guess i was just pure stupid. i fell into the the trap. for the third time. you're just like one of them.
you don't know me at all. and you treat everything as if you do. i hate people like that. don't say i keep everything to myself. because that just shows how much you don't know about me.
if only i kept my promise to kazuhisa. then i wouldn't be going through all this shit.
this time will be different from the past. i'm not going to allow myself to be hurt anymore. after today, i'll be the same old me. who i was before i knew you. you don't have to treat me as a stranger when you walk past me, but i'll take it that i never knew you.
i wanna die. whywhywhy. i cannot break promises made to myself. everything will be fine tomorrow.
=D thanks yunfei and jy for congratulating me.. hee. so happy.. =)
but as my friend quoted "this is the start of a dog's life". lol. and someone said "it's been nice knowing you" cuz i'll have no life left. -_-
anyway, just.. happy? and at least now, there's one thing more that's off my mind.. =) muahahahaha. so relieved! =D
*hugz* i love you!
i'm so tired. such a weakling. my 906367467th time saying this.
i don't want to quit. but i want to quit. what the f. i hate myself.
screwed up council thingy. n/m. not like i've ever done anything right. shall be cca-less for the whole of 2 years. wait. i'll get kicked out of sch by the end of this year. /sevillaugh.
i'm pmsing. i think it'll come by the end of this week. then i'll be fine.
campaigning begins today! =D
1) for those in s6, hcjc, vote for pearline, al, mj, becky, an chyi, xu han, shida.. and ME!!! can't think of anyone else.. haha,
2) those in s7, vote for zhiqing and wenyuan! =D not close to them, but they're from 7b! jerry chai's class! =D
3) those in arts, vote for herng jer. thanks. LOL.
muahahahaha. really hope i get in.. 'cause it seems like all sports cca already chosen the sch team members.. (thought i could join touch but no hope now) then if i don't get in i only have chinese society.. don't know also.. haiz.. =( ok, i'm bored. XP
muahahahaha. i'm so evil. hee.
first day of sch. hmmm. went fine? was pretty antisocial.. argh. just when i started to like my class, so many pple had to leave and i have to try to like a new class again.. =( but i'm still the crazy ol' me. so i'm fine with that. i think. >.<
bAh. someone's quarantined at home. WHY?! darn. stupid sars. *curses* it's so unfair. then he'll miss the lectures?? and tutorials?? and lag?? i_i esp when the lectures are going to be taught at a faster rate now since we missed so many days of school.. *whines* argharghargh.
ok. enough crap. oh, i did ONE piece of homework. jap! LOL. worksheets. not sakubun. argh. i feel like quitting jap.. =( i love it alot, but i don't even listen in class 'cause i'm like so damn tired.. i know i'll regret if i quit, but if i don't, i have this feeling i'll just be wasting my time.. and the passion i have for it seems to be wearing off.. =( byebye ambassador cup.. (not like i ever had the chance to say hello to it anyway XP)
happy birthday fbm! =) *huggles* thanks so much for everything you did.. if you weren't there today.. i think i'd have died. arigatou! anata ga daisuki! =D
everything's fine now. i hope. thanks for everyone who cared during the period i was like, depressed. longest state of depression i had, i guess. and i just realised it might have been the work of pms. sigh. it's coming. i can sense it. =/ ok, i'm crapping. i guess.. it's kinda good? =)
when will i ever grow up? when will i face a problem, and not run away from it? and when will i ever learn how not to cry? wished i was dead. bet everyone thinks so? wonder why i'm still here. anyone has the guts to kill me? please help. cuz i don't. cuz i suck.
been listening to stefanie sun's wo bu nan guo alot these few days. somehow, i feel like her in the song? i jsut feel that everything's over.. when it's not.. or maybe.. it really is.. dunno..
shit. you've changed. because of what happened? which was because of me? you sound like a complete stranger. i don't know you. shitshitshit. i hate myself. what's happening? i wanna run away. i wanna die. i'm crying. AGAIN. shitshitshit. hell.
you know, if i had a choice, i'd love to tell you all that's on my mind. but it's just so hard? cuz i don't know how you'd react? cuz i just don't know how to put my thoughts into words? there's always so many things i'd like to say to you, but they just won't come out of my mouth. my fault? yar. everything's my fault. i was wrong. right from the start.
hell. why is it like that? why am I like that? why can't things be the way it's supposed to be? or maybe it's supposed to be like this? then why can't things be the way we want it to be? shitshitshit. "it's easier to change the way we think than to change the world". ok then. just let things be. i'll die one day, anyway. so whatever that happens in my life? it doesn't matter.
dammit. i'm back to who i was in my sec 3 days. the time before EOY exams. the time when i hated myself the most. the time when running away from everything was all i could think of. when i was on the brink of giving up on everything. when i felt like dying. shit.
everything's coming back. the past is back to haunt me. after 2 years.
don't care about me. please. it just makes me feel so guilty. like, what am i to deserve such concern? everyone should just leave me to rot. after all, the only one person i want to care for me doesn't give a damn about me. so nothing really matters. anymore.
am i the only freak who wishes that the hols will extend? though i'm like 20% for the re-opening of school on the coming mon.. for a few reasons lah.
no sch =
more time to prepare council video!
more time to do homework! (read: late tutorials)
more time to SLACK! (no i don't find it sian XP)
more time to go out with friends!
no need to face my ct so soon!
hoho. but no sch also means everything pushed back, very jialat.. hee.
ok. guess everything's ok now? but still feel damn sad? haiz..
lost my wallet.. DAMMIT. allowance for this week wasn't spent AT ALL.. i was saving up.. and it's all gone.. for the first time i saved up it has to be gone.. shit.. and the worse is i think it was STOLEN.. >.< and a picture of me and him! gone! >.< argh. imissumissumissu.. bAh.
I HATE MYSELF.
shit. blogging isn't helping. my eyes are hurting. i wanna die. wished i had the courage to do so. should have just jumped down from my window 5 yrs ago. jumping from 14th storey confirm die right? now? 3rd storey only. dammit.
thanks everyone for everything. and sorry everyone for everything.
guess i was wrong about myself all these while.. i can't take it anymore.. i can't even pretend i'm ok anymore.. i hate it..
never wanted to let anyone know i'm not ok.. cuz i don't want anyone to be affected.. but now.. i can't do it.. i can't handle it by myself.. but i don't know who to turn to..
been listening to sad sad sad slow slow songs.. that's all i wanna listen to.. though it's making me feel worse..
things can never be the same again.. right.. maybe you are right.. shouldn't have even made that choice in the first place.. i hate myself..
i don't want to go to sleep.. i don't want another day to come.. esp when you won't be around for 3 days.. how am i going to survive.. ihateithateithateit..
atashi tachi futari, daremo kawattenai.. souieba, doushite kankei wa ima no you? kiraikiraikirai...
it sucks.. to be crying alone.. i miss my sister.. i want her back now.. she's not been home for such a long time.. maybe it's only when people are gone will you realise how impt they are to you.. how much you need them.. how much you love them..
i love you..
haha. the dustbin's filled with paper i used to wipe my tears. been crying for almost the whole day? hee. sorry trees. XP
blogging helps so much. to all depressed pple out there: get a blog! just rant on and on and on and on and on.. and you'll be fine.. honest.. hee. either that or find some idiot to talk to.. somehow, some pple just make pple laugh.. by being themselves.. they don't have to say / do anything special..
thanks to everyone who asked if i was ok or not.. (jy, gabe, roy, ty, ger, jj, xl, mike) though they made me feel like super bad cuz i was somehow sad for no reason? and thanks to all who made me feel better! esp j! thanks for your sms! =)
i learnt of a way to get rid of my depression.. even if it's just temporarily.. that is for me to listen to other's problems.. cuz i'll just forget about my state of depression.. hee. i still love solving others' problems best. yupyup! it just feels so great to help pple.. =D
sigh. gtg sch tmr.. again.. for council prep.. then fri goin out.. shit.. today stay at home supposed to do homework one.. then slackslackslack.. stupid me lah, more than one month away, make what present.. haiz..
everyone, despite of what's going on around the world.. SMILE!!! be happy that you're not involved in war, and you ah buay tio SARS.. though i think most pple have kena SARS due to the SARS hols.. Spastic And Retarded Syndrome.. Sleepless And Restless Syndrome.. yepyep.. oh, be happy too that you're not living in HK lah.. yes fbm, i know you love that place.. but it's in a mess now.. haha.. ;)
yay!!!! i'm so happy!!! i'm getting myself back!!! ^_^ see what i said about blogging??! hee. =D
i think i've lost it. i'm no longer able to make people feel better. i'm not the one who puts the smile on your face anymore eh? never was anyway, right?
i'm sinking into a state of depression. the period when "if no one / nothing makes me happy, then i'll just be sad". feel so lost. again. =(
and please don't ask me if i'm ok.. because even if i'm not, i'll not say.. somehow, depression is contagious?! bAh. and if i really need to fa xie, i'll just keep on ranting in my blog.. just not in the mood to do so now? ^_^
shit. i cried. again. for the same %Y(@*^($&!&@# reason i started crying 2 yrs ago. sucks.
was just reading past chats. i love trillian. for auto-logging chats. i really wish i can be who i was in the past. i thought i didn't change for these 2 years. but i did. bit by bit. heck, i changed during the dec hols by a hell lot, i guess. but know what? i think i grew up.
dammit. i want my essay back. the longest essay i ever written before i guess. so much of my true feelings inside. but at least i got $50 in return for that few sheets of paper + a bit of ink. hee.
one day i'm gonna read through my past blog entries (which look damn horrid cuz of virtue + homex >.<) and cry my heart out. all over again. haiz.
i hate the whole world. know what? i wished i never knew you. and you. you too. the 3 of you idiots.
ok. no sch for one week + 2 days. one week less hols for june hols. everything's gonna be pushed backwards.. more time for council elections preparations. time for me to catch up with work. one week less to study for BT (if i'm ever going to study, that is). blahblah. oh, and no more xiao huang cheng?!
15 new pple. bAh. so hard to like get to know them all.. cuz there's so many new pple, i guess it's hard for them to fit in in a short time, and it's also hard for us to make them fit in cuz we're also trying to fit in the new class.. hAiz. it'll take time. =) oh, someone actually dropped physics? weird. and our class is not a computing class anymore. they disbanded it. sigh. too bad yu won't go out of job. not YET. hoho.
must learn how to let go of some things. how to not think about some things. how to just simply be HAPPY.. =)
hAiz....... I WANT MY CHIBI CT!!! >.< 20 pple. 9 left. 15 coming in. WTF?!?
bad points about having a big class + more 2nd intakers than 1st intakers:
1) big class harder to handle. no close close feeling. felt so nice these 2 days.. only 11 pple.. =(
2) we're outnumbered. get-to-know-you all over again...
3) i can't be so siao.. cuz i can't be siao in front of pple i'm not close to.. just when i got that bit closer to my CT mates and can be siao, i have to refrain from scaring pple off.. >.<
4) it's harder to collect econs tutorials!!! NO!!!!!! esp when the darn tutor wants it early in the morning, b4 flag raising?? the whole CT is gonna hate me when i start shouting at them.. and the bench is not big enough to accomodate 26 juniors + 20+ seniors, so it's harder for pple to copy econs? means they'll hand up later? or maybe they won't even be at the bench? can't even find them?!?! *pulls hair* ARH!!!
5) these few days, the CT bench feels so empty.. so good.. cuz confirm have space to sit.. now.. have to 'chope' liao.. and once sit down cannot stand up or seat will kena taken away.. bAh.
6) go for lectures need to 'chope' seats for more pple.. since i'm always the one who gets into the LT first.. heck care. i'll just 'chope' 2 seats. for two pple to sit on each side of me. hoho.
7) when going for break.. need to take up more benches.. =( most prolly no seat liao? haiz..
8) we'll be like 30 mins late for pe?! by the time everyone gets changed now, we're like 10 mins late.. esp afternoon pe.. only 40 mins.. then econs tutor likes to let us off late.. HAIZ.
SHIT LAH. I HATE MY NEW CLASS. THE PPLE BETTER BE NICE. OR I KAOBEI THEM ALL. =/
for once, the silence over the phone made me feel like killing myself. (just don't know how to say it. not good at expressing myself. never was) if i had the courage to, i'd just do something that'd ensure that i'd die. perhaps jump from the 20th storey. if i can find a building i like.
don't have the courage to face you anymore. don't know how to. all i can / have to say to you is "i don't know" and "sorry". my vocab is limited, after all.
maybe sometimes, it just isn't good to be frank with someone. to tell someone what you're thinking about. the reason you tell them all your feelings and the reaction they have? totally different. why do you think i like to keep things to myself? you think i really like to break myself down bit by bit?
[written on the bus ride home when i felt like i was gonna die if i don't write anything out. time: 5:26pm]
i feel like i'm gonna explode any moment.. all that has happened.. i just can't take it anymore..
はい、 実は、 まだ彼が好き。 あの短い時間、 なにもない思い出みたいな思い出。。 彼氏がいても、 忘れられない。 馬鹿なあたし。
so felt like crying as i walked out of school today.. so many things happened today.. or rather, i realised about so many things today.. sucks..
女生就是弱者。 总爱用哭来解决问题， 总是口是心非。 好可惜， 我再怎么试着坚强， 仍无法变得更勇敢， 无法变得更坚强， 仍摆脱不了我是个弱女子的事实。
总在别人面前显得毫无顾虑， 表现得很快乐， 伤心事自己扛。。 不知怎么的， 这次， 我再怎么样也快乐不起来。。 好像一了百了。。
what she said, what he said, they were all so true. if he wasn't here? everything would be perfect. i wouldn't be (feeling) like this now.
all that i said to you, they were not lies. it's just that i don't feel the same way you do towards me. i don't want to let go either. but i don't want to be selfish. sorry.
*yesterday was his birthday. he didn't reply my birthday sms. bAh. shouldn't care huh.
hcyy's finally over. and i finally realised what my seniors meant when they said it's all worth it. just for that 2 nights' performance. ok, just the last night. the first night was screwed.
i actually teared during the 2nd night's performance. first time ever. maybe it was cuz of me being super nervous. and the urge to make the best performance and not let my directors down. the xie mu was the best ever. i screamt my lungs out (was really surprised i didn't kena sore throat). hcyy rocks. i take back all the bad things i've ever said about hcyy.
hAiz. went to thomson plaza today. and it seems like i haven't been there for ages. used to go there almost everyday after school in the past. and i realised there's no straight bus from hc to thomson plaza. so it's ma fan to go there. =(
i don't miss sc, but i miss everyone there.. esp fbm.. =( and kelly too.. we may be in the same jc, but we don't talk much.. she's so close to her clique.. it's a good thing in some sense i guess..
haven't been to jap for 2 weeks. !!! >.< i'm so dead. my jap is like crap now. *waves good bye to ambassador cup* i_i but n/m. once i get back to sch, i can go for jap, and i can see fbm! =D you'll be going, right?? =)
hols' the time to mug. but i think i'll be slacking. ARGH!!! dead dead dead. and i have to prepare council stuffs.. class + 4343 gatherings..
sigh. nothing has changed. at least, i haven't.
hAiz.. was filling up the council nomination form.. but i honestly don't know if i should join or not.. it's like a part of me wants to join but another doesn't.. and i definitely do not want to end up regretting my choice, whichever it is.. never knew making such a choice can be this hard.. >.<
can't find anyone to run with me.. bAh. and i can't run alone. it's crap. how? argh... hate it. if only i never thought of joining council in the first place. then i wouldn't be in such a stinky dilemma. *pulls hair* i need sleep. =/
i hate myself. bAh. damn it. i shouldn't be feeling this way.
not gonna change combi anymore. don't think i'll be joining council either. just feel like giving up on everything.
i'm falling apart. yet again. so long since i cried for this reason.
i just hate myself. no 'why's, i guess.
hAiz. tons of reasons to hate myself.
1) supposed to do homework on sun and mon. and i'm STARTING now. and instead of completing all tutorials, i'm only doing some gp crap i have to hand up. [slacking]
2) though i had to go back to sch for hcyy, but we were let off at 7. supposed to get cake after dinner. then, not only got no cake, i got home ~10. crap. [wasting time]
3) thought i was no more stuck online. but when i came home, i did nothing but stone in front of comp. ARGH! [addicted]
4) been losing tons of things. 2 earrings. (one each from 2 diff pairs of earrings) something v precious to me. i_i [absent minded(?)]
5) feeling down for some crap reason. thinking of things i shouldn't be. =( i should be sleeping. [(sleep)deprived]
bAh. anyway, happy birthday to jy! =) i was the first to wish him happy birthday! LOL. so childish. -_- oh, happy bdae to jj too. ^^;
dunno if you'll read this (most prolly yes?), but just wanna tell you that it's hard for me to tell you my problems. cuz it has never been like this. and i enjoy helping people solve their problems. so it's not your fault. next time when you think i'm not ok, just dun bother about me. you won't get anything out of me. only vulgarities, i guess.
3A1s, 3A2s, 4B3s.. not very good results, but not very bad either.. for one i was super amused by my results.. i actually got a2 for amaths. LOL. and geog too? i didn't even study? and i was expecting to fail for bio. haha. perhaps it's really a sign for me to take tri sci and change fac? really dunno.. >.<
wonder why i didn't drop bio then. wanted to prove to be better than my sister. what a big joke. should have known it was never possible. can't even match her. she never had any B3s, i think. bAh.
heck. didn't even put in any effort. should be lucky i didn't get any Cs. hee. and at least i can stay in hc. and so many pple coming hc! yay!! hee.
oh, saw the council elections board in sch... means council elections gonna take place soon... can't wait for it!!! hee. i think practically that whole world knows i'm going to run for council? hee. so fun. and only two more weeks of hcyy. then i'll be FREE. woohoo. gonna go crazy during the march hols.
eeks. it's like damn late now. >.< haven't been online for like eons.. good thing i guess. at least even after hcyy, i won't be attached to the comp. =)
i just realised something. from next week onwards, i'll be busy on EVERY saturday. because of !^$@%*&@O!^&*$ huang cheng. it sucks lor. how am i going to change combi like that? i'm never gonna catch up. i hate huang cheng. my whole jc life is seriously screwed up because of it. i have no time to get vday presents. i can't go out on vday AND chinese vday (yuan xiao jie). i have no time to get birthday presents. i don't even have time for myself. wtf?
for people who haven't bought tickets for huang cheng and are thinking if you should come or not, DON'T COME. don't let them earn money by exploiting little kids. me = free child labour. dammit lor. lets all pray that huang cheng 2003 will be a big failure yar? and it'll be because of me. =)
finally got time + energy to blog. but there's nothing to blog on? ^^; reach home at like 10 everyday... shower, slack around, start doing tutorials at 11... haha. like i really do them. >.<
feel so off from the world. =( but i get to go for jap twice a week! and jap ends at 7.30!!! and 'cause moelc is nearer to my house than hc is, i get home like much much earlier? hee. and jap lessons are so relaxing... =D
click for enlarged version. not very clear though. me = no scanner. boo. haha. must come! for more details, just email me... hee. the postcard is so nice... if you see them, must take!!!
sianz. nothing to do? haha. tons of tutorials on my desk. can't be bothered. ah guat sucks. <-- my chem teacher. i love jerry chai!!!! >.< he's only going to take us for ONE more lecture... NO!!!!!! i_i i wanna go s7b. or s66. or any class he's teaching. =( bAh. maybe i should really change combi? i suck at econs. but change combi = change fac = make new friends = less chances of getting into council. LOL. and it's not like i don't suck at bio. ARGH.
dammit. was looking at my archives and realised how screwed up everything is. because of homex. >.< bAh.
haiz. shouldn't have played cards with my parents. couldn't talk to you as a result of it. sorry... >.< didn't want to either. they made me play with them. kinda. lol. so bored at home. =(
goin drakula's house tmr... bringing my tutorials along... lol. think i'm a bit siao already. and i'm supposed to get more sleep, but i'm still awake now? damn.
this isn't going right... ARGH. why is the cny holiday so short? >.<
can't wait for vday. =/ me = seriously siao.
it hurts. when i hear what pple say about you. not negative stuffs. but just stuffs i don't want to hear. keep telling myself not to believe it. don't want to. but it just feels bad.
i feel like a kid. i was crying like one you know. its like wanting something all for myself. when it's never possible. sucks.
it feels different. totally different. never felt like this before you know? seems like a whole new beginning. it's good i guess.
bAh. wonder why i'm thinking of such stuffs. can't stop thinking of these things. >.<
anyway, today was a damn fun day... hee. it seems like the whole world came to hc... damn lot of crashers... met so many pple. dangerhandis, jy, ty, bx, gabe, blah. and j! feels great you know? =)
haven't felt this happy (as in seriously, just happy) for some time. not that i can recall. it's the new year anyway. but i think i'll be catching up with my sleep and pia-ing all my tutorials. bAh. sucks. huang cheng sucks. =D
btw, cheemologist, i dunno what you meant by "stars". XP
anta wa shinjinai to omou ga, mou suki ni natta. suki ni naritakunai kedo, jibun no kimochi wo osaerarenai. kazuhisa kun, anta to no yakusoku wa mamorenai to omou. gomen.
hanging around online doing nothing. when i have tons of hw waiting for me. and the only thing i want to do next is just SLEEP.
huang cheng SUCKS. wtFUCK. the SM + directors have gone overboard. if they think i'm gonna feel guilty just 'cause of what they said, they're wrong. they have no right to vent their anger on us. i'm not gonna turn up tomorrow. it's straight to jap for me. it'll be good if they decide to kick me out anyway. i DID tell them i wanted a smaller role anyway. and i DID tell them i wanted to go for jap twice a week. in the end? if i hadn't reminded them, they would have just made me stay on forever. WTF. if i don't get the ambassador cup, i'm gonna condemn huang cheng. but guess what, don't think i'll ever get it. FUCK.
damn. you're not online. bAh. bet you're doing your maths tutorial. I WANT YOUR MATHS TUTOR!!! >.<
if she hadn't mentioned him (like she always does), i wouldn't have started thinking of him. i wouldn't have felt so anxious for nothing. wouldn't have been envious of her. again. but hey, at least i don't try to look at him. not anymore =p
whee~~~ today = fun! hee.
had pe today... run run run. argh. my fitness level sucks. and i volunteered to be a competitive runner for the X-country. hoho. hopefully i will be able to motivate myself to train. if i even have the time. =/
chem lecture today was damn sucky.. the teacher was just going on and on about the question and failed to realise that the whole LT was like "O_O???" then when she had to keep explaining stuffs, she said "i want to faint liao". everyone was like LOL. ^^;
all my tutors suck... except the GP tutor lah, i guess. =(
weird. me starting to blog about the day. sounds like some journal liao. =/ no fun liaoz. think my life is too bland. hoho. oh, no. my life is fun! ^^;;;;;;; today took puri kura with grace and ammily... ammily is so cute! hee. tmr got huang cheng again! =D
talking about huang cheng, it's making me give up alot of stuffs... i can only go for jap once a week cuz of the tight schedule [byebye ambassador cup =(], i have to forgo touch rugby and volleyball and can only join it 3 months later... =( and i cannot be emcee for cny... LOL. no emcee = no publicity = less chance to get into council. ^^; everything i do, i think of council. really keen on getting in. =D
sigh. me is useless. both my mortals know who i am... cuz me is bmw. >.<
i feel so guilty. it feels like i somehow caused it. and i don't know how to help. what kind of friend am i? >.<
starting to do homework at the last minute. 'cause of the same stupid reason. i ought to kill my comp. argh! pple, when you see me online, don't talk to me. =/ then again, doesn't help much. i'll just hang arnd online doing nothing. even worse. haha. so just TALK TO ME when you see me sticking arnd. =D
huang cheng's killing me. i'm gonna lose my voice someday. 'cause i just can't get the hang of speaking loudly with the diaphragm and so i'm just shouting at the top of my lungs. =/ good thing tomorrow's a rest day. no huang cheng! but got jap. there never will be one day when i can get home early. sigh. bad start to jc life. =(
guess i'm gonna be nice and write letters to my mortals. my angels can wait. wahahahha. =p
ps: i love my maths lecturer! LOL. ok, i AM crazy. bleahz.
wah, feels like it's been a long time since i last blogged... hee. now everytime come home quite late, then v tired.. even if come online also not really in the mood to blog... so i think now should have lots to say. hee.
ears giving me lots of problems... >.< got infection, now swollen... then no ear sticks, must put earring... then confirm infection get worse.. =( shouldn't have pierced. argh.
huang cheng rules!!! shall start promoting now... march 12/13, victoria theatre... exact details not sure... must buy tix and watch! me acting! hee. training v xin ku... but v fun... everyone's so nice... =)
hmmm, school is nice now. hee. esp when i'm starting to let go of some things. not gonna think so much anymore. but tutorials' starting next week... argh. cannot slack around liao... =( just hope i'll be able to cope... reach home at arnd 8 everyday lor... so tired some more...
saw nat today... been quite some time already.. *hugz* hope you're fine yar? dun hesitate to find me when you have any problems... after all, i'm more experienced. LOL. ^^;;
saw jy too... weird guy. lol. lucky when he walked past the rehearsal area, the directors were briefing us... or i think i would have lost my concentration and get a scolding from the directors. =/
haiz, becoming rather anti social in my class... not gonna reply to my angels... so sianz can.. suddenly got so many letters to write... somemore all the content abt the same one, write also dunno for what lor.
hmmm, guess that's all for now... hee. damn tired. eek. dun think can come online that often liao... or i'll die. >.< must make the best out of the new school year... =)
an entry for you
thanks so much for everything. sorry that everytime i need someone to be there, i just look for you. perhaps i just find it easier to let it all out in front of you?
don't break your promise ok? *hugz* i love you. =) and for anything, i'm always here.
guess my class is getting better. =) been going out with them for dinner for the past 3 days. can talk to some of them liaoz... so it's a good thing... i guess. but i still prefer the big melon. =( it seems like every friend i have in s7 likes their class. and every friend in s6 doesn't. *shrugs*
and i have much more reasons to like the big melon. the person i think i like is there. val siwei kel dan is there. almost everyone whom i know (but don't know me) is there. sigh.
anyway, today i was a bit siao. i just went "HI! =D *waves*" to this person who was in my jap class. then he was like. "O_o" and i was "you know me right????" and he said yes, and asked me what class i was from. LOL. so siao. i did the same thing yesterday actually. just that i was sure that the guy yesterday knew me.
today so many pple crash hc. weird. very fun meh? anywhere is nice but hc. and damn, i can't dance for nuts. ARGH!!! i pity my partner. hoho.
funny how i know so many pple who don't know me. my dance partner on tues was this guy who was in my sec2 jap class. i recognised him but he was like "do i know you?" -_- then, i don't even know if pple who was in my jap class know me. LOL. and my neighbour. and i met this nj guy on the bridge who didn't recognise me until i said "from class chalet one.." and many more lah. guess i remember pple well and am observant? ^^;
well, guess today was fun. enjoyed myself the most for the dance. though yar, i really can't dance lah. thanks for being my partner yar? =)
hc field stinks now. >.<
SUCKS. don't know what else to say. so many times today i just wanted to cry. in school.
honestly don't know what's wrong with me. val said it was just a phase. but why am i always going through such phases? exactly same phases. crap. my english sucks too. the sentences seem weird.
have this bad feeling i'm gonna get kicked out. it seems like L1R5 of 10 is kinda hard. good thing lah. i want to go out anyway. i really hate my class. i'm even willing to take bio instead of physics after 3 months. and fyi, i HATE bio. i didn't even touch my bio book before the exam.
wonder how i'm gonna run for council. sigh.
now for some more cheerful stuffs.
tomorrow's kasuhisa's birthday. haven't got anything for him. to kazahisa: got your sms today. nearly cried. cuz i feel the same as you. =) but i guess we'll still be getting something for you. hehz.
gonna be posting something in chinese. i'm cheena. i express myself MUCH better in chinese. bAh. he's not calling back! >.<
met danger today... YEAH!!! was so freaking happy ok... shouted like hell, bet the whole bus int could hear me and was staring at me (despite the power failure), but i just don't care... was so so happy... i was tearing, and grace cried... and as i've said, it feels like ages since we met... =)
i guess meeting them kinda made me forget about him and my class for a moment... all day, i was so so sad because of him... sucks. i cried. again. SUCKS. i hate to break down... and then, i kinda don't like my class... so rojak. got people taking computing some more... perhaps i was a bit pissed cuz of him too lah. my day hasn't been right since i saw him anyway. =(
it's been some time since i felt like this. lets just hope orientation will be fun. guess i'll be trying to stay happy at the starting, but lets just hope i'll really enjoy myself in the end... =)
hmm, today got quite a lot of things to blog about...
woke up at like 9am. and it's sunday. went to heeren to see tony sun! *_* waited from like 10 - 1.30 lor... first time i'm like so crazy over someone? haha. he's so shuai! ^_^ then angela chang quite chio... much chio-er than she looks when she's on tv. hee. and angu is so nice. he poses so often so that people can take pictures of him.. hee.
well, jon called me and asked if i wanted to go out... would have said yes like immediately if i weren't going for a movie.. i went out so often with them during the hols that it seems like ages since we went out together. and we last met on wed! >.<
the ring. hoho. i closed my eyes and shut my ears at all the scary parts. i'm a coward lah. =/ and it's like the whole theatre screamed, so i don't even dare to peek lor. haha. gonna watch it again... ARGH.
hmm, 5566's coming to singapore next week! this time i'm off to j8 to be another of those crazy fangirls. lol. bah. i think i'm really going crazy over them. =)
everything sucks. when your friends feel bad and you can't help. and you feel bad and don't know how to help yourself. when you're aspiring to be a counsellor at the same time.
i'm crying. for a stupid stupid reason. i'm not supposed to cry for things like that. not anymore. maybe i'm just in a crying mood today.
mvp qing ren sucks. because it always makes me cry. even if i'm watching it for the second time and i know what's gonna happen.
and now, i'm crying because i hate myself for crying so easily. it's a vicious cycle you know? and i don't like crying when i'm not in my room. when i'm using my shirt to wipe my tears and not crying on my pillow. sucks. i suck. i wanna change names with isaac. then my name will sound like 'i suck'.
argh. so many bad things happening to my blog. =( 2003 bug? lol.
homex decided to kill itself. so maybe some images cannot be seen. be nice and don't click on the links on the right. =p
the scrolling thing killed itself too. so i got back the scrollbar. and don't know why it's not the colour i thought it would turn out to be. and i don't know why it's like cut off either. LOL. my html sucks. would any kind soul peep into my html source and tell me the problem? LOL. thanks. =p
meanwhile, bear with it. be nice. =)
did i say i was going to post something on scipy yesterday? didn't get to do so... but nothing much to talk about scipy also. haha. but it's like scipy pple are either going hc or rj, so it's good! easy to keep in touch! =)
so tired... must sleep early today. or else not enough time to get back to normal timing. but jc starts later. hoho. my fren says she's gonna break 10 sec sch rules on the first day of jc. our teachers were right. we're like damn deprived lor. sc so strict!! >.< rules to be broken:
bring hp; wear ankle socks, coloured shoes, coloured scrungy; wear belt loosely.. forgot others liao. oh, eat outside the canteen. LOL. that's like super lame, but it is our sch rule that food cannot be eaten outside canteen. kaoz. so happy i'm leaving that damned place. hoho. but then again, there's bound to be things i'm gonna miss. like toilets where pple hold 'meetings'. lol. clean. v clean. =)
i can't believe it!!! it's only like 3 days away? hoho. my fren doesn't like orientation. =( i'm trying to psycho her to think that it's gonna be fun.. haha. i can still remember how my sister was like during her orientation days. she came home and kept asking me to dance with her. siao one. LOL.
oh no, i'm feeling like super high now. cuz i kept talking to frens abt jc stuffs. haha. how to sleep? eek. but i'm damn tired now, think i just fall on my bed then doze off liaoz... esp with 5566 singing lullabies to me. ^^;
wow. he's online. think he's back here. i thought of him today. read his letter some time back. received it two years ago, but it seemed so recent. weird. i shouldn't be thinking of him. lol. honestly, i think he vanished from my memory. somehow. when i thought that would never happen.
so many things happen these 2 years. i've changed SO much. i can only vaguely remember how i was like 2 years ago. i used to be so noisy. i'm only LOUD now, but not noisy. there IS a difference.
i didn't even know any of the friends i hang out with now two years ago. and yet i'm like so close to them. guess scip really changed my life. talked about this like a thousand times?! ^^;
guess the end of the year is the time to reflect upon oneself? gonna post something about scip tomorrow. at drakula's house. haha. going to his house for post-xmas-pre-new-yr party! lol. lots of scipy members. goodie. =) can't wait.
updates >>
- new layout up! sadistic psycho bitch = mashi! =p
- added a new link. here. go give jy's new blog some love! hoho. he wrote his own blogging and comments script. so pro~
think this layout will stay for quite some time. a bit sick of blogging... and i spend ages making a simple layout. argh. i give up. =/
dreams are just like bubbles. you can be the one who bursts them, that's when your dreams are realised;
but when it's burst at a time you don't want it to, that's when your dreams never get to be realised.
was a pharse / expression i thought up of when i was at a BBQ blowing bubbles with
nat and two cute little girls.
it was also then when she thought that both of us should be fbms (fellow bubble makers)
0 girlboy ME in a few words 0
[revised]
(maybe not so few words after all)
is a girl. wish i were a boy. for various reasons which people seem to disagree upon.
wish that i didn't wish to grow up faster and enjoyed myself more during my childhood days.
wish that i can live my life twice; once to make the mistakes i made, and a second time to make everthing better.
but i'm still grateful for everything i have now, including all my wonderful friends. =)
part of 03S60 | 30th | scip 2001
# pitas.com #
# signmyguestbook.com #
# yaccs #
wherever i got that picture of a girl blowing bubbles at the bottom of the page and the cloud picture on top
