Saturday, September 22, 2001

All the bad things came back..... Wasted one whole day. As you can see, from my previous post....Then I came online for quite a long time.....Know how bad this is? Realised how much precious time I've wasted. Could have studied. Even if I couldn't concentrate, at the very least, SOMETHING could get into my mind, right? I'm just such a failure. I don't care to think about what will happen after my exams. Yeah, of course I'll feel relieved, but the thing is, it'll be rather short-lived, yar? I mean, the time I get back my results, it's gonna be doom date. I'm gonna get grounded for the rest of my life. I may not be able to continue with Japanese. I'm gonna be looked down on. There's bound to much more to that. I just don't want to think anymore. I hate it. I just hate myself. I want to shout real loud. But I can't do it. Wanna say something, but can't let someone see, hafta try to say in Japanese..... Suki na hito to hanashi wo shinakute, kanashii. Kare wo suki dakedo, ai janai. Tokubetsu na tomodachi dato omotteimasu. ICQ de hanashi wo shita ato, kanashi kunatta. Doushite mo wakaranai. Ima no atashi, hontou ni confused desu. Jibun wo daikirai. Itsumo kare no SMS wo matte, denwa wo matte, shikashi nani mo nai. Watashi, baka janai? Pardon me if I made mistakes there. My Japanese isn't that good after all. I mean, I'm good at nothing. I'm just a failure. I don't want to cry, but I always do. I just feel like a coward. The main reason why I'm not studying has to be because I want to escape from reality. I don't want the exams to come so soon. I don't want to accept the fact that it is. I wanna run away from everything. But I can't let everything go. I said before that anyway, people will still die. But now when I really think of it, there're just so many things I can't let go off. Japanese, friends, memories, kare..... I want to live on strongly, but I'm just such a coward. This is like the dunno-how-many times I've said this but I just hate myself. I don't know why there're still people out there who care. It's not that I don't want them to care, I like them to care, but I just feel that I'm not worth it. There're many other people who are more worth their care than me. I'm just such a baka. I just feel guilty. The worst is, they seem to care for me more than I care for them. I feel that I haven't really been a friend to anyone. I've always been piling my problems on top of others but never really let others do that to me. They give me a hand when I'm down, but I don't seem to do that. What a 'friend' am I. Cheh. Apologies. >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 10:19 p.m.

Saturday, September 22, 2001

=) Not a bad day so far.....But erm, still haven't started studying, apart from how rift valleys and block mountains are formed..... Had orals, and think I'm gonna fail. Heck about the picture, I couldn't have done better, but I hate myself for not talking about SCIP for the conversation. Shan't say more, only make myself more depressed. Slept for quite a long time today. Woke up to watch Slam Dunk, CardCaptor Sakura and Hana Yori Dango. Then, wanted to switch off TV, until this super shuai ge appeared!!! Thought that Japanese Drama was a crappy one, but it turned out otherwise......Name of shuai ge: Takashi Kashiwabara. Yay, for once, I'm not talking about bad stuff.....=) Yupz~ Kk, nothing to say...most probably I'll come back and talk cok again....*haha* Ja ne, mata. >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 06:42 p.m.

Friday, September 21, 2001

>< Again, I wanted to add an entry at an earlier time, but now, it was because I was too lazy so I didn't..... Let me try to recall....I was still tearing while thinking of what to write....Kaoz! Think I'm just deceiving myself. I do care. I feel damn bad inside when I know I have only a few days left to START studying for the exams. I'm feeling so damn stressed inside and I'm acting like a free soul. What a fake-o I am. ARGH!!! I can't remember what I wanted to say!!! And I feel totally different now.... I'll try my best....*sigh* It hurts. Knowing how much others care and yet you don't seem to be putting in your effort to make them erm....fang4 xin1. Sorry, my English sucks. And it's orals tomorrow. Argh. Darn. Shouldn't be drifting away.... >< Kaez, back to topic. Well, at least I know who cares, esp. those who aren't really close to me.... Dot told me XL is very worried for me, and I can see that XL is pissed off by my attitude towards studying. She said "Even if you(me) get kicked out of 3/2, I wouldn't miss you". I really am so darn disppointed with myself. Others care for me even more than I do. I don't give a damn about my life. As I've said before, since we'll die some day, why the hell would you wanted to work so hard? You come to the world with nothing, and you leave the world with nothing, so? This means that even if you create a niche for yourself, become a rich pig or a famous asshole, you'll still die like any other human being. You work hard or you slack through your whole life, you still die the same. Maybe the difference is just that you either get buried proper, cremated, and be left on the streets to rot and stink. So? You're already dead, like YOU will care. Cheh. This isn't helping. It's making me feel better, but I guess DEEP inside I'm actually feeling damn bad. Guess all I can do now is to mug like shit, but do you think I'll do that? No. I don't even have faith in myself. I just tell myself it's too late to start doing catching up work and end up pushing it to an even later date. Well, it's only sec3, not as bad as sec4, so I'll start next year. The thing now is, will I start being a mugger next year? The answer is no again. I've been a super procrastinator since sec1, and nothing bad that has happened has made me feel the need to study. I don't dare to face anyone. Especially those who care. I've disappointed them greatly, I bet. Nothing I've written here is what they want to see. I haven't woken up. I haven't realised anything. Was walking home with my head bent low today. Started tearing. If my mother wasn't at home, I would have ran up to my room, hug my bolster and cry it all out. I have so much tears. Been crying every night. Thank you XL, Yun, Jason, and to whoever who cares, and sorry(not meant for yun).Ooops, forgot my dearest sis...=) Yun, jikan ga nai to, tegami wo kakanaku temoii. Benkyou shita hougaii. =) Mata, arigatou ne. Can't stop myself from coming online to add a diary entry. Just have too much to say, can't suppress it. See how little self-discipline I have? I''ve been coming online like any other time of the year. It seems as if I'm not doing any studying, and the fact is, I ain't. *haha* Kaez, that seems to be all, roughly. Will come back to add when I recall anything. Don't preach to me about studies. I'm sensible enough to know when I should start studying. After all, as long as I pass for English and four other subjects, which most probably will be Chinese, E-Maths, A-Maths and one of the sciences, I won't get retained. Got like 68% for mid-year, can afford to get maybe 45% for EOY exams. Come flame me, slam me, thrash me, beat me, shout at me, throw rotten whatever at me. It's totally fine. But my advice is: Just give up on me. I have, as you can see, so I don't see why you should still care and visit my weblog. I wished I were dead. I wished I was never born into this world. I wish for everyone around me to be happy, and unaffected by me. I know you care, but I'm not worth it. I deserve to go to hell. I wonder why I'm not one of those who died in the terrorists attack, and instead, those who deserve to live died. The world is just so so unfair. >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 07:24 p.m

Thursday, September 20, 2001

Argh. Wanted to add an entry earlier, when I had lots to say, but my internet connection was down.....>< Don't really have that kind of feeling I had now.....*sigh* Parents are always out, always me alone at home....Though I don't talk to them, sorta, but I just don't really like the feeling of being alone at home. Used to like it, but not now. "Tears are the rinse water of an unhappy heart". If so, then I must be a very unhappy person, crying over every single thing.... Hate my emotions. I don't know how and when I started becoming so emotional.... I want to try being an emotionless person, wonder how that would be. Talked to someone over the phone last night, "like I care" seemed to be the phrase he used the most. Couldn't really say anything to counsel him or whatever, cuz I can't counsel people for nuts, and I sorta feel the same way....To me, nothing seems to be important. Now, I only seem to care about friends. I do badly in school, but I don't care. I only care because I don't want my mother to start nagging at me and stop me from having any social life(like I have any now). I have no mood to do anything. Can't be bothered to study, can't be bothered to do homework. Don't feel like going to school tomorrow cuz it's gonna be a long day but I have to. I mean....ah heck. Trying to not hate myself but I can't seem to do it. Somehow, when something unhappy happens to me, I just start to think "oh how much I hate myself". I'm giving up on myself. I'm trying very hard not to, psychologically, but I'm not doing anything that will help me. I just hate my character. I lack so much self-discipline as well as self-motivation. I can't do anything if I don't have any pressure. And pressure given by others doesn't help. The reason why I can only study late at night, the day before the test/exam, is because that will be the only time I feel the pressure. Other times, I just tell myself "there's still so much time left, why the heck are you studying so hard for". I admire those who have the motivation to study. Used to think they were 'kiasus' and had no life cuz all they do seemed to be nothing but study. Then, now when I really look at them and myself, I can't help but think what a baka I am. I want to change, but I don't like to. I can't, or rather. Everything repeats itself year after year, but it has no effect on me. I'm gonna do badly this year for my EOY exams. No doubt. I think I'll get like 55% for my average?? *shrugs* I don't dare to think too much, cuz there is a possibility that I may even fail, and get retained. Yeah yeah, I'm in 3/2, how can I possibly get retained.... but anything's possible. Trust me. Maybe I should fail and let everyone see for themselves. Being in the best class or whatever doesn't mean you're clever or whatever. I don't know what the heck I'm trying to say. Quite a long entry, guess it's enough. Wasn't suppose to add any entries before the end of my exams.....>< P.S: Ranma, can I add your site to my links? P.P.S: Pls, please, PLEASE sign my guestbook..... =) >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 08:54 p.m.

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

Argh. wonder why the heck did I come to this page. There's nothing I can add actually. *sigh* Read my sister's email reply... Was in school so I had to suppress all my tears. Would have cried like the sky's falling if I was at home. Actually, I would be happy if the sky's falling.LoL. Gonna write a long reply, but not now, or I'll cry like erm...the Westin Stamford's collapsing??? Argh. Reminds me of the WTC..... It may make me seem as if I'm a heartless creep or whatever, but from what I think, it feels as if there isn't really any direct connection between me and WTC thingy, so I ain't very affected...And I'm not following the news though it's only right that I should.....Argh. Well, it's like only a week more before the exams start.....yucks. Hate the thought of it. Especially when I haven't started studying....This is *argh* bad. >< But I ain't caring much still. *haha* Well, from what I think, since we're all gonna die sooner or later, it doesn't really matter what the heck are you in your life. Maybe you would want to lead a happy life, one that would make you die with no regrets, but ultimately, you're still gonna die.....*haha* Well, this is what I think..... Argh. I'm too sianz to update my blog, besides just adding entries.... So ranma, sorry, me not going to add you poem for the time being.....And thank you for signing in my GB!!!! =) Kaez, hope I can stop myself from coming online and hopefully concentrate on my studies for the EOY....So, if I'm successful, this would moct probably be my last post before the end of the EOY exams....Until then, mata!!! =) >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 02:22 p.m.

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

HarLowZ~~~ Hmmm, adding this cuz it seems like I'm getting more visitors and I don't wanna disappoint them....*haha* Lala~, nothing much to say though. Just found a good way of letting everything inside you out. Before you sleep, think of everything that has happened. ALL the things that made you sad, preferably... Then, it'll make you cry, and you feel much better....It helps for me. Haven't started studying yet...argh. Ah heck. See what my friend wrote during class: Study = noFail NoStudy = Fail NoStudy + Study = Fail + NoFail (No + 1) Study = (No + 1) Fail => Study = Fail Cool eh? Feel so lonely at home. Got no one to talk to, then can't really communicate with my parents....So sad. Wish my sister was here....Typed a super long email to her. And still had lots more to say. Ah heck. Be happy I'm still ok... >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 05:44 p.m.

	Saturday, September 15, 2001
I'm dead. The thing I've been fearing most has happened....>< I'm so so dead. And I don't know what to do. I don't dare to tell anyone. I don't want to. Not before I get everything clear, or I'll end up regretting again. *sigh* >^.^< nin-chan dozed off at 09:44 p.m.