betsuni v.14 | purple stars

wednesday \| 25 07 2007
hohoho. long time no see XD sorry for the lack of updates. haven't really had time. which was spent at work and facebook ^^;;; even facebook is taking over as my blog whenever i felt like putting something down into words =X anyway the main purpose of this blog is him (i won't say who, but it'd be easy to figure out). it's so easy to fall in love with him, again and again. just when everytime i thought that i perhaps feel nothing for him already, something will manage to trigger that feeling. went to ptt, downloaded some stuffs, and upon seeing it.. i realised i still like him =.= and i went to his blog again, looked at his photos.. and just found myself staring at him. >_< i still like him alot. =( perhaps now, he's the one person i will be able to give up my boyfriend for la =X foolish me i know. but anyway, it's impossible that the chance will come, so i'm just dreaming. and who am i to lecture nat about liking dbsk >_< work is ending. and i've quit waitressing. so i hope i'll be able to fully concentrate on my studies when school opens. and any other time, i would want to spend it on my family and him. =) becoming rational, i've decided not to get married at 21, but we'll get married after i graduate. yayness =) i'll be going over to KL to meet him this weekend! yays! happy is me. =) it's been more than a week since we last met. and it's a good thing i suppose. we managed to resolve all our problems over the phone, and somehow, we got even closer without seeing each other. =) happy! i can't wait to be free. it's really sickening not being able to truly relax even though it's the holidays! and i'm so glad for the last 2 weeks i have for myself. but it was really good last week too when i had 2 days MC hee. and actually this week, without having to work part-time, it's really more relaxing. mentally and physically. so yays. i'm happy. =) not to mention that harry potter kept me occupied the past two days when i had totally nothing to do at work! i heart the 7th book. =) i'm happy. so i'll try to remain in this state, and prevent myself from thinking of him. =) ninchan counted her lucky stars at 11:48 p.m. [ ]

monday | 28 05 2007

i feel like i have no life now. as in no time for myself. =( i'm feeling damn tired now, due to lack of sleep for one whole week (and the lack of the chance to recuperate). the previous week was very 幸福, but also tiring because of that. but it's still a nice feeling overall. lol. just that i really regret landing myself into this job. =(
as how internships are supposed to go, i cannot expect to always have nothing to do and just slack past the 3 month stint. so now i'm starting to feel a little bit of pressure. which is really bad. because i still don't have anything to do, but i foresee myself assuming certain responsibilities, and start to freak out because of that. i'm a coward la. =(
oh i did quite well this sem =) not up to my expectations, but it's the best sem i had with CAP 3.7, and overall CAP pulled up to 3.475. lol. still far from ideal honours though |||
i want to get married when i turn 21. i'm honest. i seriously need an aim in life. or i won't have any motivation to work study save money blah. there's nothing else in life worth looking forward to except spending happy times with the one(s) i love. and he's being very supportive! lol. i managed to psycho him into marrying me when i turn 21 XD anyway, my idea of getting married is just ROM la. no wedding dinner or rituals or whatever. don't even have to stay together yet haha. just signing my name on the official document. and giving myself to the one i love! i sound so naive. haha. but that is really what i want. =( i still got half a year more. enough time to check up on how to ROM too. yay. i just feel so happy thinking about it XD i'm such a kid.
i hate work. =( studying really is better. because i don't like accountability >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:43 p.m.
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saturday | 12 05 2007

be careful of what you wish for. for it may just come true. =) my current MSN nick reads: 我又初戀了! and remember at the end of the last post, i said i want a boyfriend? XD but i'm still waiting and seeing how things go. but the current me feels rather 幸福 =)
anyway i got the mcys job, and it has been boring. just readings everyday for 4 days. i'm like so @_@ everyday. but i'm quite 感動 lah. because everyone is really nice. truly nice. the kind of nice i want to be. because i had nothing to do, so i just went around asking pple for things to do. but i can't help them either even though they're v busy because it's those things that they must do by themselves. but they still took time off to explain stuffs to me to make me understand their work. and they were very patient! and EVERYONE is like that! so nice right! >_< oh, and for once, i get to meet alot of seniors! from NUS psych. haha. and there's someone from SCGS who's also from HJC! so qiao! and another person from HJC who likes mayday XD so hopefully work will get better lah =)
and work at the restaurant is not that bad. considering now i can only work one day per week so i better cherish it lol. because the colleague i dun like seems to be better now =) pple do change. and there's someone i like inside too. *blush* i just smile silly at myself when i think of it lah omg. i'm so dead. such things always happen to me. >_<
anyway, i should be changing a new layout soon. designed something during work when i was damn bored lol. so all i have to do is look for pictures i want to use =) then again, i don't have much time so must wait lah haha. =) everyone pray for me that my next love will last till i'm old! >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 11:44 a.m.
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saturday | 05 05 2007

i got to see tank today! he came to my restaurant to eat. apparently it's to take photo with food those kind, i think it'll appear in i-weekly sometime later. haha. and erm, honestly, i don't think he's cute. haha. and he doesn't seem v friendly. like quite aloof. i don't like. lol. then there were 2 tables of fans. my captain was saying she pei4 fu2 those fans, then i told her i'm like that too! XD|||
anyway.. work is really a pain in the ass. because of lousy colleagues. esp when they think they are v good, that's the worse. refuse to admit to mistakes, refuse to listen to you thinking that they're always right etcetc. sickening. even if i don't get the attachment at MCYS, i don't think i'm motivated enough by money to work full blast at the restaurant. wish i didn't request for the switch over to the new place =( good thing is.. well, i kinda like 2-3 of the cooks there lol. but that is barely enough to make up for the bad parts. and somehow i really wish i won't get the attachment at MCYS! i just want to relax this holiday.
i haven't sat on an aeroplane for 2 years. =( i feel so deprived! does anyone want to go on a holiday with me? a short getaway? to hongkong taiwan aust japan korea ANYWHERE! boo. i need to get out of this sickening place. so that at least i can feel that maybe it isn't that sickening after all. argh.
i really hate thinking about life. because there's simply no answer to all the questions. you'll only know by living it. wait and see. but somehow it's just quite hard not to think about life, especially when you're hit by shite. HAI. i wish i was a nice person. as in, purely nice. be nice to people without wishing for anything in return, always thinking about others. but it's just so hard. who can really be like that. but it's so stressful just to live. ok i shall stop here. sucks lah =(
i'm opting out of HOTA. got the letter today. the thought of my body being cut apart and organs removed after my death is just erky. even if i'm going to be cremated and not buried, the thought of it is just not good lah. haha. and i don't mind being put on lower priority if i ever do need an organ transplant, because i'll be so happy to be able to face death sooner XD just call me selfish la =p
one more month. i can't wait for mayday to come. i just need something to look forward to, and something to keep me happy for days to come. just a few days ago, i was reading his blog and looking at his photos, and i fell in love with him all over again! XD and i was talking to ahpeh about how guys with glasses just seem to attract me (and her?), and she said that he doesn't wear glasses. so i'm wondering if it really is those love at first sight kinda thing for him. LOL. and it's really quite heartbreaking to understand that it's practically impossible. thinking too much la. hai.
mixed remarks about my new hairstyle. i personally am more inclined towards the "long hair nicer" remarks. but i'm facing cognitive dissonance so i'm trying to convince myself that my present hairstyle is better. must throw in some psychology terms here and there la, show that i'm learning something XD
this post is so random. because i'm so random XP i want a boyfriend! >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 11:44 p.m.
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wednesday | 02 05 2007

end of exams! =) but after this week of rest (actually i already started resting a week ago XD) and outings w frens, i'll be starting work full blast! somehow, my bank account is really starting to shrink. i haven't been having any big expenses, so it must be all the nitty gritty things that've been adding up. which is the scary part. =X
anyway, i thought that this holiday would be like the last one, just 3 months of waitressing. because after i emailed my resume to MCYS 2 weeks ago, i haven't got any reply. until today, i got a reply from another person, asking if i'm still interested because she hasn't got a reply from me. and i was like "huh?" i mean, firstly, who is this person in the first place, i never exchanged emails with her before.. and secondly, if she is someone relevant to me getting a temp position, how come no one gave her my stuffs? (i don't presume i was supposed to "reply-to-all" for my emails..) so.. mcys must be rather disorganised = = and so i MAY be getting some 9-5 job after all. which i don't like! =( boo. just hope it's a temp post and not internship! because i really want to earn and save money! argh! >_<
supposed to go fren's place for baking tmr. but i don't feel like. how. HAI.

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 04:47 p.m.
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friday | 20 04 2007

i wonder if it's exam stress, or the idea of breaking up finally hitting me, but today as i was walking in a shopping centre alone, i suddenly felt very lonely, and felt as though i needed someone to hug. needed to tell someone "i love you", needed someone to hold my hands while i'm walking. it's been very long since i was alone. perhaps to be more specific, there was someone there for me all along during my growing up years, the times when i felt most depressed. it sucks. and the one thing i'm most afraid of now, is falling in love with someone just for the sake of it. because i can already feel it. it's scary. i really wanted to take this chance to truly grow out of this, feeling that it is possible for me to not like anyone at all. but somehow it's impossible. and every night, i just have the urge to call him and ask him how his day has been. perhaps it's precisely because he's not being cold to me that makes me feel as though we haven't exactly broken up. but what about all those times where i tried so hard to convince myself that it's impossible for us in the long run?
today someone asked me when i would start a new relationship, and i just told him the moment i find someone i like. he was shocked because he said that if it's him, he'd be sad for quite a period of time before getting ready for a new relationship. so i was just wondering, am i ready for a new relationship so fast because i have gotten over him, or just because i need someone to help me get over him? for one i know that i haven't gotten over him. so it must be the latter..? argh. this sucks. i ought not to be thinking about this now.
after tomorrow's paper, i can actually start to relax. because the monday paper is open book and sunday is enough for me to revise; i've kinda finished studying for the wednesday paper because there was a quiz (which i studied for) that tested on everything so tuesday alone is also enough. and then i'll be having a one week break before my last paper, which is an open book that totally requires no revision. so after tomorrow, i consider myself free. XD and some part of me is hoping that MCYS doesn't have any positions available! then i can have 3 months of real holiday. muahahaha! and i can tell my parents that i did try to get a (decent) job. LOL.
back t last minute mugging, must go to bed by 12am! 'cause lecturer says must get at least 8 hours of sleep tonight. hohoho.

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 08:58 p.m.
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saturday | 14 04 2007

無緣無故發起了哈日瘋。無意中點到一首日文歌，是以前挺喜歡聽的歌，開始回憶起很多事物，接著又點了其他以前很喜歡聽的日文歌。很高興，不用看歌詞，我也能明白歌詞的大綱。（因為都是慢歌啦所以很容易聽得出）沒有像以前那樣的哭，但眼睛還是有泛著淚。或許現在的感覺不一樣吧。就連昨天晚上發瘋似的沒聽到純真睡不着不甘願，聽完最後一句落淚的感覺和6年前的截然不同。話説回來，純真的最後一句還真是個大催淚彈! （我想我應該輕輕放開你的手我卻沒有力氣這麼做）T_T
或許是考試將近的緣故，最近常想起以前的時，感到很懷念。但一切都無法重演，也只能怪自己不懂得珍惜把握。即使如此，現在的自己，仍沒什麼改變。似乎是我雖然不滿意現狀，但也無法看到自己如果努力將到達的目的地，所以就索性安於現狀。或許自己心裡真的覺得，得過且過的日子好比每天都要辛苦的付出，因為辛苦也未必會換來幸福。可能是害怕受傷害吧。畢竟如果不曾付出過，結果再怎樣，也不會令自己失望，因為要求根本就不存在。
應該是夜深了，所以我的腦子又開始胡思亂想。從一件小小的事物，也能想出一大堆關於自己的生存之道。心裡很亂。今後的我，該何去何從，該如何抉擇？
人幹嗎要活得那麼辛苦! >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 02:01 a.m.
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tuesday | 10 04 2007

argh!!! i so feel like digging a hole and burying my head inside; bury my whole person inside if it's possible! >_< it's an overwhelming rush of embarassment that i just don't wish to see anyone, especially the people whom i feel so awkward towards.. i believe somehow or another, everyone would have felt this way before? argh. it's like, paiseh + more paiseh lah. erk.
now that this horror week is going to be over (and after exams, it's OH YEAH!), i'm starting to plan for my holidays. i want to go on a holiday; kinda regret not agreeing to go to taiwan with my colleagues. wonder if it's alright for me to change my mind now. lol. anyone wants to go hongkong? air tickets not very cheap, but not very expensive either =p return airfare would be around 0 i suppose.
anyway.. to more serious stuffs. one part of me wants to continue this part-time job of mine, because 1) i'm lazy to find another job 2) the pay isn't that bad; even better than intern or some office jobs 3) the time is super flexible, and i can even work super long hours to earn more money if i want. but another part of me tells me it's not practical. with the whole country full of unversity graduates, without any experience in what i want to do in future, i'm really nothing compared to others, especially with the kind of shit grades i have (not to remind me that i messed up my jap oral this morning and a B- seems within reach =.= ). but it's not easy to find an intern job either, not that i don't want to! =( the intern offers at nus ejobcentre all seem to be interested only in biz pple. or fass, but CNM majors. >_< and my last resort would be to email, or even call (NO!!!) MCYS to ask if they have any openings for interns. but honestly.. i don't even know if that is what i want. i mean, i'm really interested in counselling, esp children or teenagers, but perhaps it's not what i expect it to be like. and i have totally NO INTEREST in helping the needy or whatsoever. in fact, i feel strongly against it. i am so NOT social worker material anyway. and yet i have this feeling that counselling and being a social worker go hand in hand. so how?!?! BOO.
maybe i should just stick to the ideals of an office job. or try teaching MUAHAHAHA but honestly, as time passes, i feel more and more against what psychology is supposed to train me out for. i don't like to help people, full stop.
back to the main topic.. someone help me dig a hole! >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 10:19 a.m.
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sunday | 08 04 2007

i'm really glad that no one hates me, period. no one that i know of or would care about, that is. because there're just so many people i dislike (not enough to hate them though) and sometimes i wonder how they, or other people think about me. like, what impressions of me are they forming.
workplace is a hell good place to be bitching about people. but it's a very dangerous place too. XD sometimes when i'm bitching about someone, i'm really scared that they may get wind of it, or even happen to pass by without me noticing and hear about what i'm talking about. and when i get the inkling that they may know that i was talking bad about them, it gets really awkward facing them. and well, it's happened before, just once, as far as i'm aware. and sometimes i really wonder, what would my reaction be if i heard someone bitching about me?
honestly, i sincerely believe that if i've done nothing wrong, there shouldn't be a reason why people bitch about me. so if i hear someone saying something bad about it, perhaps i'll first try to clarify what is it exactly they are talking about. and if it's something i come to realise that really is a problem of mine, i guess i'll try my best to change it. and that is one reason why i've come to hate the previous person even more (the one who caught me bitching about him). i mean, i wasn't exactly bitching about that person, but stating facts, and including my own personal opinions about it. it's just that person's attitude that i really hated; i kinda still liked talking to him when we were not working. and somehow, after that event, i came to realise that there's even more for me to hate about him. because when he started hating me after hearing me bitch about him, he started giving me a hard time at work. and i found it quite childish too. i mean, as much as you dislike someone, i feel that you ought not bring it into work. it's really like trying to get someone into deep shit just for the sake of it, trying to sabo someone etcetc. and what do you get at the end of the day? even more deeply entrenched hatred? it doesn't feel good to hate someone. i wanted very much to hate this person after the whole incident but i realised, it's much easier to treat it as though he doesn't exist at all.
anyway back to work. new workplace. not a very good working environment (physically), i'd say. but it's new people too, and it's mainly nice people. so it all evens out? but a new place doesn't give me a new start. it's really hard. i woke up telling myself "alright, it's a new place, new start, so just reduce on mistakes, be nice to people, don't give anyone any reason to go against etcetc" but it's not so easy. there are people who knew you from the start, and i believe some of these people have formed undesirable impressions of me. and somehow, it's really very hard to change those impressions, no matter how hard you try to prove yourself thereafter. and that's what really irks me too. workplaces of any sort are really cruel; there's totally no room for mistakes. because it's so easy to throw yourself into deep waters, but very hard to redeem yourself. just a mistake which was unintentional on your part can cost you all the reputation you have tried to build up, and thereafter, you need a real breakthrough to prove yourself, which i think is really hard, because the people watching you would have already formed prejudices against you.
this part time job of mine is seriously taking its toll on me. see how much it can make me think. i choose to believe it's part of growing up, part of making me realise about the cruelties of life, and how, most of the time, you really do not have a choice as you think you do. after all, all you can choose has to do with your own life, but what other people think about you etcetc, you have totally no control over. 即使是問心無愧，別人怎麼想，你永遠都不會知道，更無法掌控；別人也一樣：又有誰會知道你是問心無愧的呢？
i guess i'm just tired. weary. life is starting to lose its meaning again, if it even had any to begin with. but i'm really happy that in this new workplace, there's someone whom i really like alot, someone whom i feel that i can click with. it seems like we have quite alot of things to talk about, which is really rare for me, because i'm quite a closed up person. and somehow, i feel that she, like me, likes to be anti social at times too! XD all the little pleasures of life that add up. on my way to finding more, i hope.
and to one of the treasures of my life, natalie, happy 21st birthday. *hugs* =)

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:28 a.m.
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wednesday | 28 03 2007

最近，很想把自己封閉起來，哪兒都不想去，誰也不想見到。似乎做什麼都提不期勁。或許是懶惰的藉口罷了，我也説不清。反正就是覺得很無力，什麼都不想做。對於對自己毫無利益的事情，更是如此。或許是我太過自私了，根本就不想付出。可是我反復地問我自己，朋友，到底有什麼用。如果要那麼費心去經營一段友誼，但到頭來似乎也沒怎樣，又何必去花心思呢。是我太現實了嗎？畢竟，友誼是無價的不是嗎？但我就是無法説服自己。可能對於我來説，人生的終站，仍舊是死，所以凡事都不用太努力。
但過像我這樣的生活，無論做什麼事，都很難對得起自己，更不用説對別人交待。我卻不想讓自己太辛苦，覺得當初如果不那麼努力，結果也糟不到哪兒去。
i think i'm really being very random and incoherent. it's really very hard to put such jumbled up thoughts into words, let alone make them sound sensical. well, for the time being, i really have alot of things to worry about before i have time to look at the big picture - life as a whole - again. i hate school. maybe i really shouldn't work so hard to get an honours. i'm so far from it anyway it's going to be such an uphill task. just finish everything quickly and get a job. argh. i just hate life as a whole.

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 09:40 p.m.
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sunday | 18 03 07

i think i'm going crazy. like out of my mind. because of 5 guys who really wouldn't care if i "vanished from the face of the earth". because they don't even know of my existence in the first place. so even i can't comprehend my own feelings.
i know i wouldn't be able to give up. i tried. but somehow, it's just so hard to let go of these things. because deep down, they really matter. they brought me hell lot of happiness. friendships too, as mentioned previously. but why do things have to turn out like this.
but i still don't care. i'm still going to wake up at 6am tomorrow.

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 09:03 p.m.
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saturday | 17 03 2007

既然沒什麼力氣離開電腦，就簡單的說一下今天所發生的事吧 XD
- 我和彭克合照! *^_^*
- 石頭跟我揮手說拜拜! XD
- 諺明總共給我畫了兩次笑臉! >_<
簡單來説是這樣了，可是還有很多其他的小小東西..但我一向來都不太會作報告，所以就到此結束 |||
對了，我又結新歡了。可是跟他超無緣的就是了 >_____<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 01:51 a.m.
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thursday | 01 03 2007

今天翻閱報章時，無意間看到了有關《黃城》的小報道。就勾起了那份又愛又恨的回憶。（回憶可以又愛又恨的嗎？XD|||）不知不覺，已經過了四年。他們那時說得對，黃城是一個會讓你一輩子都記得的體驗。
說真的，對黃城，我有很多埋怨。因為黃城，我的初院學習生涯有了一個很坏的開始(ie had a bad headstart)。還記得剛開始的時候，我意志務必把每天的功課做完，不能有任何backlog。而我真的做到了，一直到黃城把我的力氣都吸光。然後，也因為黃城，我無法正常的上日語課，對日語的興趣也逐步消退，最後竟然考到B3。可是說真的，這一切也是我自找的吧。可是無論如何，黃城真的在我心中留下了永遠的烙印。短短的三個月，比council的一年多更豐富，更有紀念性。
today, i was just telling my sister that i'm never one who'd keep in contact with my friends; the friends that i still have are all friends who'd actually take the initiative to ask me out. sometimes, i wonder if my passiveness is because of me thinking that friends are not all the important after all. or i just feel that they're too troublesome to keep. selfish? perhaps. but because of this, i'm really thankful to the friends i have. 真的是屈指可數。scgs group: nat val siwei shunwei; scip: grace daniel gerald; s60: chinee rj (i believe if not for these two buddies, 我也不會和其他女生有任何交往 =) xuhan. basically that seems to be all. quite sad isn't it. and honestly, if not for 五月天，i wouldn't even have been close to chinee and rj. so 有時候，真的覺得五月天的威力不淺。他們還讓我們有了好多跨國友誼！XD and why am i saying all these after my 黃城 talk? because i never managed to hold on to the 黃城 friendships. maybe it's because i never did establish any strong bonds in the first place, what with my cynical perception at that point of time, and perpetual thought that friendships are really worth nothing.
回首我的初院生涯�好落寞。沒有好好把握機會，沒有好好把握友情，更沒有好好把握青春。說真的，這一路來，我到底做了什麼能讓自己自豪的事？
i'm always regretting, always hating myself, always thinking about miracles happening. i've never really put the energy i use to hating myself to other better uses. 既然知道時間是無法回轉的，為何不更積極面對人生，好好充實未來的每一天呢？但我就是無法做到。
i see myself being trapped in a vicious cycle. i find something tough coming my way. i sink into depression, hating myself, thinking why must things be like that. the tough things pass. i do badly in whatever i was supposed to do. i'm supposed to be happy that i'm more relaxed, but i'm sad because i didn't channel more energy into what i was supposed to do. i start wondering about what i could have done. something else comes my way. ditto. i must break through this evil cycle! >_<
seems like a big digression. lol. anyway, after next monday, i should be feeling much better. XD not like i'm not stealing a break now. muahaha. so it's back to harry potter and 花樣少男少女！if i don't continue watching 花樣，i'll be slower than channel u! >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:29 a.m.
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sunday | 25 02 2007

alright. so here comes the last day of the mid-term break. ie the day i'd be staying up late, pulling my hair out, grumbling about why nus is so stingy with holidays while struggling to churn out crap for term papers. BUT i'm also happy to say that i haven;t quite managed to disappoint myself yet again this break! lol. =)
for starters.. i haven't left EVERYTHING for the last minute. perhaps it's because i knew i couldn't. i have 1 project, 1 presentation, 3 tests, 1 term paper, 1 report draft and 1 blog entry. to be honest, what i have left undone is 1 presentation, 3 tests, 1 term paper and 1 report draft. meaning only the first and last of the long list is striked out. BUT i usually don't care about tests so it's alright (XD|||), i don't have a big part in the presentation and we're staying in school to complete it on tuesday, and the report draft is half completed (hoping to finish it before the sun rises). SO let's put our hands together and pray that i'll be able to sleep early this sunday night! XD|||
k lah i DID slack alot this break, as usual. but NUS is really damn kiam siap can? they actually only gave us 3 days of break since mon and tues was CNY. and who has the mood to do work on CNY you tell me. so evil right! =( but the break's already ending so what to do. argh.
ok better shoo off to work before i really do what i mentioned in the beginning of this post. and just a reminder to everyone out there: if you ever find yourself bored because you're taking a break from doing schoolwork, DO NOT attempt to re-read any harry potter books. it's lethal! tried and tested and proven. boo.

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:10 a.m.
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sunday | 04 02 2007

why must life be like that. we are being controlled by so many things that eventually, we really can't say that we choose the way we lead our lives. if really given a chance, i wouldn't want to change my life, but i would hope that i have the power to change the things around me. i wouldn't call this FAE (fundamental attribution error; go figure), it's really all these things happening that make me feel life is totally so not worth living. and i can't exactly choose to die now either right. so there you go. =p
and the news i'm watching right now is showing footages of a post-suicide bombing incident. stuffs like that don't make me want to treasure my life more; they make me even more resolute in feeling that life is really nothing but trash.
whatever. for now, i have 2 things on my agenda that have to be completed by tomorrow. and i don't even know why i have to do them. what if i don't wake up tomorrow?! then my last few hours spent wasted on the living would really be wasted on the living. don't people always say live life to the fullest; live life as though there's no tomorrow.. so why are we still doing the things we're doing?! shouldn't we spend everyday being with the ones we love, doing the things we always say we have no time for.. see what i mean?!?! life is just full of shit lah. = =
ps: i hope i'm making sense! at least i feel that i am =p

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 10:56 p.m.
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thursday | 01 02 2007

ok i'm rather pissed now.. with work.. basically, my main reason for continuing my p/t job is because of money, since it has started to affect my schoolwork. but my pocket money is just too little to even survive, so i really have no choice. and somehow, my expenditures are growing (that i really have to blame myself =( )
BUT anyway back to the main picture.. the restaurant really quite cheat money =( because.. when a public holiday falls on a weekday, we get paid the weekday amount, and not the weekend amount. i mean HELLO public holiday the workload is bound to be much heavier, obviously we'd be assumed to be getting weekend pay? =( not that i want to be niao, but sometimes, the reason why i sacrifice my pub hol is 'cause of the extra money. it's only until now when i'm finally able to analyse my payslip accurately (because i didn't work alot of days so i can tell where the errors are) did i managed to come to this conclusion. argh. xmas day, new year's day, all thrown away. honestly, i'm beginning to hate this job lah =( it's only because of money. i just want to start saving up that's why. ARGH.
my manager asked me to work on third day of cny because many of the msian waitresses are going back. i said ok. but now, i'm having second thoughts. after all, it's a pub hol on a weekday AND there's bound to be lack of manpower, so i'll just end up working doubly hard just for a weekday pay, when i can just be merry on weekdays. and this job is really taking it's toll on me =( so many pple i dislike, the designation i get is always like the shittiest.
maybe i should just really get a pocket money raise from my dad and stop working. but how much can he raise until =( now i'm getting 250. transportation fees adds up to around 80. so it's 170 for an average of 30 days. that's like less than per day. even if he doubles it, i'll only get max per day. that's even less than what 3hrs of work would get me. and so i end up with the same saddening conclusion. =(

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:43 a.m.
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saturday | 06 01 2007

just random ranting for this entry.
made tofu cheesecake! all by myself! but i think it'll be too sweet. added too much sugar and wasted a fair bit of cake mix >_< but i'm still proud of myself! just hope that the sweetness won't override the cheesecake taste. but now i actually think for that teeny bit of tcc is not very expensive. i spent about for my tcc, which should be around 15 pcs of that cake. BUT it's really tedious when you don't have proper equipment, adequate space, and you really waste quite a bit of time, not to mention the cleaning up after everything's done. and the outcome's not guaranteed. haha. then again, the sense of satisfaction is priceless hee =)
been feeling moody/sian these days. sleeping very late just because i don't want to sleep. yes, those days are back again =( and school's opening! in 2 days! argh. not to mention i didn't manage to get one module! a major module at that. timetable upset-ed. HAI. so hopefully i can get the replacement module i found lah. haha. good chance to fulfill other requirements. i'd finally be stepping out of arts fac! XD
recently found another guy that i may unfortunately like. and so the same story takes place. it's really taking it's toll on me. i still love my bf alot. but when some other guy comes along and happens to be someone you think you like, you just start to think nonsensical stuffs. like what will happen if you really do get together with this other guy. will things be better. not that things are not good in the first place, but you just hope it'll be better. nonsensical right? >_<
and mayday's new album is out. nice. and by now, i've taken a liking to all the songs. fully digested all of them. haha. maybe it's just conditioning. because i was telling ahpeh that i always need time to digest mayday's songs; some songs just don't sound nice when you first listen to them, but you start to like them the more you listen to them. but then again, i only truly love the slow songs. 最重要的小事忘詞一千個世紀天使 (in order!) =) somehow i don't like mickey mouse. as in not as much as others. i think even motorbike diary is nicer. followed by perfume! haha.
really random ranting. jumping from here to there with totally no link. hai. oh, forgot to say that i got a pay rise. lol. finally la. but i'm not working alot, so i think it's not going to be that significant. only 50c increase per hour anyway. but without that increase, i wouldn't have had deducted for CPF last month. LOL. can't wait till the day i get to use my CPF! ie the day i buy my house! before that would be marriage, which would be after i find a satisfying and stable job, which is after i buy my hatchback car, and that would be after i graduate, which is only in 2yrs time! counting backwards can be really fun at times. XD
shall try to go sleep. it totally doesn't feel like school's starting. not like in pri/sec/jc days when school re-opening used to be a big and somewhat joyous matter. haha. all part and parcel of growing up. =( i don't want! boo.

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 03:04 a.m.
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saturday | 09 12 2006

原來心痛是這樣的。
我以為他會忘記。但他沒有。而談話中途，我竟然哭了。三年的愛情，果然不是說放就放得下。
其實分手后這麼久，我還是會偶爾想著他，很多時候還必須逼自己不要想，不能哭著入睡。是自己選擇放手的，凴什麼後悔。是自己選擇了現在這段更不理想的愛情，只能怪自己。怪只能怪自己一手摧毀了那段美好的回憶。
或許該慶幸的是，他並沒有討厭我，避開我。
maybe it's just because i'm feeling really low these few days, and nothing seems to be going right. ahpeh, i've cried alot already.. haha. just the night before yesterday, i cried for 2+hours i think. kept trying to rationalise with myself. but thanks alot.. i guess it's also because i have nothing to do now so keep thinking about those silly stuffs.. can't wait to get back to work! lol. =)
心裡這番話若讓你知道，後果將會是如何？

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 10:46 p.m.
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saturday | 09 12 2006

這幾天感覺怪怪的。對，都是從他們走了以後。每一次都是這樣的，從沒改變過，以後我就不知道。
其實那天送機后有想過，到底是為了什麼，得到的又是什麼。反而越想越煩躁。
其實這幾天心情都不好。那天爆炸的時候，找不到人傾訴，反而還要聽他傾訴。也不知道是他insensitive還是什麼，你自己覺得煩我不怪你，但你是真的聽不出我剛哭過嗎？跟你講電話的時候也都一直在哭，你只會告訴我你有多煩。要不是我及時阻止自己，我們現在應該已經分了。
re-read my diary entries when they left, and realised that everytime they came and went, problems would arise btw me and dAnieL. and this time, the same thing happen. nothing seems to change, and nothing seems to be changing. 是我自己太固執了嗎?

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 04:15 p.m.
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thursday | 07 12 2006

ADD-ON at 10:03pm: tadah, and here's the new simple layout.. all brushes taken from angelic-trust.net with much thanks! it's a no frills layout with only blog entries and nothing else. =) should be here to stay for quite some time! =)
because this mayday layout has been here for quite some time, i decided to archive the entries, and a new layout will be on the way.. possibly something real plain like betsuni in the past because i just don't know what else to do on =X
anyway pretty jaded after the mayday gig. didn't get to go to the airport to ji jie because had to study for exam. didn't get to see them smoking (lol ||) cause had an exam that day. but well luckily my exam ended just nice so got to go for supper. got to be crazy and rush to the airport at 6+am. and stayed there until 11+am. but.. not satisfied. =(
didn't prepare anything for anyone, so had no reason to get near anyone. ie, i didn't even know what i'd like to say to him even if i got the chance to walk beside him >_<
then for the later flight, obviously my presence could be ignored by him, because i'm the only person he doesn't know out of that small group.. so.. i felt so damn awkward la. ie i wondered if i would have stayed behind had i known that would be the outcome. =X so.. the airport song ji experience was really quite a not-so-good one.
but as usual, talking to other fans and knowing some gossip is always entertaining and enriching. lol. and taking the same stand as shijie, "講八卦我也要聼" XD||| but he's really a nice guy, ah peh's choice is real good lah. LOL.
exams withdrawal syndrome (not knowing what's there to do), mayday withdrawal syndrome (feeling a lost in the sense of direction because they just came and went as though it's none of your business but it really affects you a great deal), and most seriously, LOST OF SLEEP. makes me lose appetite, lose mood to do anything. everything added up.. i think i need some fluoxetine >_<

ninchan counted her lucky stars at 07:23 p.m.
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monday \| 28 05 2007
i feel like i have no life now. as in no time for myself. =( i'm feeling damn tired now, due to lack of sleep for one whole week (and the lack of the chance to recuperate). the previous week was very 幸福, but also tiring because of that. but it's still a nice feeling overall. lol. just that i really regret landing myself into this job. =( as how internships are supposed to go, i cannot expect to always have nothing to do and just slack past the 3 month stint. so now i'm starting to feel a little bit of pressure. which is really bad. because i still don't have anything to do, but i foresee myself assuming certain responsibilities, and start to freak out because of that. i'm a coward la. =( oh i did quite well this sem =) not up to my expectations, but it's the best sem i had with CAP 3.7, and overall CAP pulled up to 3.475. lol. still far from ideal honours though \|\|\| i want to get married when i turn 21. i'm honest. i seriously need an aim in life. or i won't have any motivation to work study save money blah. there's nothing else in life worth looking forward to except spending happy times with the one(s) i love. and he's being very supportive! lol. i managed to psycho him into marrying me when i turn 21 XD anyway, my idea of getting married is just ROM la. no wedding dinner or rituals or whatever. don't even have to stay together yet haha. just signing my name on the official document. and giving myself to the one i love! i sound so naive. haha. but that is really what i want. =( i still got half a year more. enough time to check up on how to ROM too. yay. i just feel so happy thinking about it XD i'm such a kid. i hate work. =( studying really is better. because i don't like accountability >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:43 p.m. [ ]

saturday \| 12 05 2007
be careful of what you wish for. for it may just come true. =) my current MSN nick reads: 我又初戀了! and remember at the end of the last post, i said i want a boyfriend? XD but i'm still waiting and seeing how things go. but the current me feels rather 幸福 =) anyway i got the mcys job, and it has been boring. just readings everyday for 4 days. i'm like so @_@ everyday. but i'm quite 感動 lah. because everyone is really nice. truly nice. the kind of nice i want to be. because i had nothing to do, so i just went around asking pple for things to do. but i can't help them either even though they're v busy because it's those things that they must do by themselves. but they still took time off to explain stuffs to me to make me understand their work. and they were very patient! and EVERYONE is like that! so nice right! >_< oh, and for once, i get to meet alot of seniors! from NUS psych. haha. and there's someone from SCGS who's also from HJC! so qiao! and another person from HJC who likes mayday XD so hopefully work will get better lah =) and work at the restaurant is not that bad. considering now i can only work one day per week so i better cherish it lol. because the colleague i dun like seems to be better now =) pple do change. and there's someone i like inside too. blush i just smile silly at myself when i think of it lah omg. i'm so dead. such things always happen to me. >_< anyway, i should be changing a new layout soon. designed something during work when i was damn bored lol. so all i have to do is look for pictures i want to use =) then again, i don't have much time so must wait lah haha. =) everyone pray for me that my next love will last till i'm old! >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 11:44 a.m. [ ]

saturday \| 05 05 2007
i got to see tank today! he came to my restaurant to eat. apparently it's to take photo with food those kind, i think it'll appear in i-weekly sometime later. haha. and erm, honestly, i don't think he's cute. haha. and he doesn't seem v friendly. like quite aloof. i don't like. lol. then there were 2 tables of fans. my captain was saying she pei4 fu2 those fans, then i told her i'm like that too! XD\|\|\| anyway.. work is really a pain in the ass. because of lousy colleagues. esp when they think they are v good, that's the worse. refuse to admit to mistakes, refuse to listen to you thinking that they're always right etcetc. sickening. even if i don't get the attachment at MCYS, i don't think i'm motivated enough by money to work full blast at the restaurant. wish i didn't request for the switch over to the new place =( good thing is.. well, i kinda like 2-3 of the cooks there lol. but that is barely enough to make up for the bad parts. and somehow i really wish i won't get the attachment at MCYS! i just want to relax this holiday. i haven't sat on an aeroplane for 2 years. =( i feel so deprived! does anyone want to go on a holiday with me? a short getaway? to hongkong taiwan aust japan korea ANYWHERE! boo. i need to get out of this sickening place. so that at least i can feel that maybe it isn't that sickening after all. argh. i really hate thinking about life. because there's simply no answer to all the questions. you'll only know by living it. wait and see. but somehow it's just quite hard not to think about life, especially when you're hit by shite. HAI. i wish i was a nice person. as in, purely nice. be nice to people without wishing for anything in return, always thinking about others. but it's just so hard. who can really be like that. but it's so stressful just to live. ok i shall stop here. sucks lah =( i'm opting out of HOTA. got the letter today. the thought of my body being cut apart and organs removed after my death is just erky. even if i'm going to be cremated and not buried, the thought of it is just not good lah. haha. and i don't mind being put on lower priority if i ever do need an organ transplant, because i'll be so happy to be able to face death sooner XD just call me selfish la =p one more month. i can't wait for mayday to come. i just need something to look forward to, and something to keep me happy for days to come. just a few days ago, i was reading his blog and looking at his photos, and i fell in love with him all over again! XD and i was talking to ahpeh about how guys with glasses just seem to attract me (and her?), and she said that he doesn't wear glasses. so i'm wondering if it really is those love at first sight kinda thing for him. LOL. and it's really quite heartbreaking to understand that it's practically impossible. thinking too much la. hai. mixed remarks about my new hairstyle. i personally am more inclined towards the "long hair nicer" remarks. but i'm facing cognitive dissonance so i'm trying to convince myself that my present hairstyle is better. must throw in some psychology terms here and there la, show that i'm learning something XD this post is so random. because i'm so random XP i want a boyfriend! >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 11:44 p.m. [ ]

wednesday \| 02 05 2007
end of exams! =) but after this week of rest (actually i already started resting a week ago XD) and outings w frens, i'll be starting work full blast! somehow, my bank account is really starting to shrink. i haven't been having any big expenses, so it must be all the nitty gritty things that've been adding up. which is the scary part. =X anyway, i thought that this holiday would be like the last one, just 3 months of waitressing. because after i emailed my resume to MCYS 2 weeks ago, i haven't got any reply. until today, i got a reply from another person, asking if i'm still interested because she hasn't got a reply from me. and i was like "huh?" i mean, firstly, who is this person in the first place, i never exchanged emails with her before.. and secondly, if she is someone relevant to me getting a temp position, how come no one gave her my stuffs? (i don't presume i was supposed to "reply-to-all" for my emails..) so.. mcys must be rather disorganised = = and so i MAY be getting some 9-5 job after all. which i don't like! =( boo. just hope it's a temp post and not internship! because i really want to earn and save money! argh! >_< supposed to go fren's place for baking tmr. but i don't feel like. how. HAI. ninchan counted her lucky stars at 04:47 p.m. [ ]

friday \| 20 04 2007
i wonder if it's exam stress, or the idea of breaking up finally hitting me, but today as i was walking in a shopping centre alone, i suddenly felt very lonely, and felt as though i needed someone to hug. needed to tell someone "i love you", needed someone to hold my hands while i'm walking. it's been very long since i was alone. perhaps to be more specific, there was someone there for me all along during my growing up years, the times when i felt most depressed. it sucks. and the one thing i'm most afraid of now, is falling in love with someone just for the sake of it. because i can already feel it. it's scary. i really wanted to take this chance to truly grow out of this, feeling that it is possible for me to not like anyone at all. but somehow it's impossible. and every night, i just have the urge to call him and ask him how his day has been. perhaps it's precisely because he's not being cold to me that makes me feel as though we haven't exactly broken up. but what about all those times where i tried so hard to convince myself that it's impossible for us in the long run? today someone asked me when i would start a new relationship, and i just told him the moment i find someone i like. he was shocked because he said that if it's him, he'd be sad for quite a period of time before getting ready for a new relationship. so i was just wondering, am i ready for a new relationship so fast because i have gotten over him, or just because i need someone to help me get over him? for one i know that i haven't gotten over him. so it must be the latter..? argh. this sucks. i ought not to be thinking about this now. after tomorrow's paper, i can actually start to relax. because the monday paper is open book and sunday is enough for me to revise; i've kinda finished studying for the wednesday paper because there was a quiz (which i studied for) that tested on everything so tuesday alone is also enough. and then i'll be having a one week break before my last paper, which is an open book that totally requires no revision. so after tomorrow, i consider myself free. XD and some part of me is hoping that MCYS doesn't have any positions available! then i can have 3 months of real holiday. muahahaha! and i can tell my parents that i did try to get a (decent) job. LOL. back t last minute mugging, must go to bed by 12am! 'cause lecturer says must get at least 8 hours of sleep tonight. hohoho. ninchan counted her lucky stars at 08:58 p.m. [ ]

saturday \| 14 04 2007
無緣無故發起了哈日瘋。無意中點到一首日文歌，是以前挺喜歡聽的歌，開始回憶起很多事物，接著又點了其他以前很喜歡聽的日文歌。很高興，不用看歌詞，我也能明白歌詞的大綱。（因為都是慢歌啦所以很容易聽得出）沒有像以前那樣的哭，但眼睛還是有泛著淚。或許現在的感覺不一樣吧。就連昨天晚上發瘋似的沒聽到純真睡不着不甘願，聽完最後一句落淚的感覺和6年前的截然不同。話説回來，純真的最後一句還真是個大催淚彈! （我想我應該輕輕放開你的手我卻沒有力氣這麼做）T_T 或許是考試將近的緣故，最近常想起以前的時，感到很懷念。但一切都無法重演，也只能怪自己不懂得珍惜把握。即使如此，現在的自己，仍沒什麼改變。似乎是我雖然不滿意現狀，但也無法看到自己如果努力將到達的目的地，所以就索性安於現狀。或許自己心裡真的覺得，得過且過的日子好比每天都要辛苦的付出，因為辛苦也未必會換來幸福。可能是害怕受傷害吧。畢竟如果不曾付出過，結果再怎樣，也不會令自己失望，因為要求根本就不存在。應該是夜深了，所以我的腦子又開始胡思亂想。從一件小小的事物，也能想出一大堆關於自己的生存之道。心裡很亂。今後的我，該何去何從，該如何抉擇？人幹嗎要活得那麼辛苦! >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 02:01 a.m. [ ]

tuesday \| 10 04 2007
argh!!! i so feel like digging a hole and burying my head inside; bury my whole person inside if it's possible! >_< it's an overwhelming rush of embarassment that i just don't wish to see anyone, especially the people whom i feel so awkward towards.. i believe somehow or another, everyone would have felt this way before? argh. it's like, paiseh + more paiseh lah. erk. now that this horror week is going to be over (and after exams, it's OH YEAH!), i'm starting to plan for my holidays. i want to go on a holiday; kinda regret not agreeing to go to taiwan with my colleagues. wonder if it's alright for me to change my mind now. lol. anyone wants to go hongkong? air tickets not very cheap, but not very expensive either =p return airfare would be around 0 i suppose. anyway.. to more serious stuffs. one part of me wants to continue this part-time job of mine, because 1) i'm lazy to find another job 2) the pay isn't that bad; even better than intern or some office jobs 3) the time is super flexible, and i can even work super long hours to earn more money if i want. but another part of me tells me it's not practical. with the whole country full of unversity graduates, without any experience in what i want to do in future, i'm really nothing compared to others, especially with the kind of shit grades i have (not to remind me that i messed up my jap oral this morning and a B- seems within reach =.= ). but it's not easy to find an intern job either, not that i don't want to! =( the intern offers at nus ejobcentre all seem to be interested only in biz pple. or fass, but CNM majors. >_< and my last resort would be to email, or even call (NO!!!) MCYS to ask if they have any openings for interns. but honestly.. i don't even know if that is what i want. i mean, i'm really interested in counselling, esp children or teenagers, but perhaps it's not what i expect it to be like. and i have totally NO INTEREST in helping the needy or whatsoever. in fact, i feel strongly against it. i am so NOT social worker material anyway. and yet i have this feeling that counselling and being a social worker go hand in hand. so how?!?! BOO. maybe i should just stick to the ideals of an office job. or try teaching MUAHAHAHA but honestly, as time passes, i feel more and more against what psychology is supposed to train me out for. i don't like to help people, full stop. back to the main topic.. someone help me dig a hole! >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 10:19 a.m. [ ]

sunday \| 08 04 2007
i'm really glad that no one hates me, period. no one that i know of or would care about, that is. because there're just so many people i dislike (not enough to hate them though) and sometimes i wonder how they, or other people think about me. like, what impressions of me are they forming. workplace is a hell good place to be bitching about people. but it's a very dangerous place too. XD sometimes when i'm bitching about someone, i'm really scared that they may get wind of it, or even happen to pass by without me noticing and hear about what i'm talking about. and when i get the inkling that they may know that i was talking bad about them, it gets really awkward facing them. and well, it's happened before, just once, as far as i'm aware. and sometimes i really wonder, what would my reaction be if i heard someone bitching about me? honestly, i sincerely believe that if i've done nothing wrong, there shouldn't be a reason why people bitch about me. so if i hear someone saying something bad about it, perhaps i'll first try to clarify what is it exactly they are talking about. and if it's something i come to realise that really is a problem of mine, i guess i'll try my best to change it. and that is one reason why i've come to hate the previous person even more (the one who caught me bitching about him). i mean, i wasn't exactly bitching about that person, but stating facts, and including my own personal opinions about it. it's just that person's attitude that i really hated; i kinda still liked talking to him when we were not working. and somehow, after that event, i came to realise that there's even more for me to hate about him. because when he started hating me after hearing me bitch about him, he started giving me a hard time at work. and i found it quite childish too. i mean, as much as you dislike someone, i feel that you ought not bring it into work. it's really like trying to get someone into deep shit just for the sake of it, trying to sabo someone etcetc. and what do you get at the end of the day? even more deeply entrenched hatred? it doesn't feel good to hate someone. i wanted very much to hate this person after the whole incident but i realised, it's much easier to treat it as though he doesn't exist at all. anyway back to work. new workplace. not a very good working environment (physically), i'd say. but it's new people too, and it's mainly nice people. so it all evens out? but a new place doesn't give me a new start. it's really hard. i woke up telling myself "alright, it's a new place, new start, so just reduce on mistakes, be nice to people, don't give anyone any reason to go against etcetc" but it's not so easy. there are people who knew you from the start, and i believe some of these people have formed undesirable impressions of me. and somehow, it's really very hard to change those impressions, no matter how hard you try to prove yourself thereafter. and that's what really irks me too. workplaces of any sort are really cruel; there's totally no room for mistakes. because it's so easy to throw yourself into deep waters, but very hard to redeem yourself. just a mistake which was unintentional on your part can cost you all the reputation you have tried to build up, and thereafter, you need a real breakthrough to prove yourself, which i think is really hard, because the people watching you would have already formed prejudices against you. this part time job of mine is seriously taking its toll on me. see how much it can make me think. i choose to believe it's part of growing up, part of making me realise about the cruelties of life, and how, most of the time, you really do not have a choice as you think you do. after all, all you can choose has to do with your own life, but what other people think about you etcetc, you have totally no control over. 即使是問心無愧，別人怎麼想，你永遠都不會知道，更無法掌控；別人也一樣：又有誰會知道你是問心無愧的呢？ i guess i'm just tired. weary. life is starting to lose its meaning again, if it even had any to begin with. but i'm really happy that in this new workplace, there's someone whom i really like alot, someone whom i feel that i can click with. it seems like we have quite alot of things to talk about, which is really rare for me, because i'm quite a closed up person. and somehow, i feel that she, like me, likes to be anti social at times too! XD all the little pleasures of life that add up. on my way to finding more, i hope. and to one of the treasures of my life, natalie, happy 21st birthday. hugs =) ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:28 a.m. [ ]

wednesday \| 28 03 2007
最近，很想把自己封閉起來，哪兒都不想去，誰也不想見到。似乎做什麼都提不期勁。或許是懶惰的藉口罷了，我也説不清。反正就是覺得很無力，什麼都不想做。對於對自己毫無利益的事情，更是如此。或許是我太過自私了，根本就不想付出。可是我反復地問我自己，朋友，到底有什麼用。如果要那麼費心去經營一段友誼，但到頭來似乎也沒怎樣，又何必去花心思呢。是我太現實了嗎？畢竟，友誼是無價的不是嗎？但我就是無法説服自己。可能對於我來説，人生的終站，仍舊是死，所以凡事都不用太努力。但過像我這樣的生活，無論做什麼事，都很難對得起自己，更不用説對別人交待。我卻不想讓自己太辛苦，覺得當初如果不那麼努力，結果也糟不到哪兒去。 i think i'm really being very random and incoherent. it's really very hard to put such jumbled up thoughts into words, let alone make them sound sensical. well, for the time being, i really have alot of things to worry about before i have time to look at the big picture - life as a whole - again. i hate school. maybe i really shouldn't work so hard to get an honours. i'm so far from it anyway it's going to be such an uphill task. just finish everything quickly and get a job. argh. i just hate life as a whole. ninchan counted her lucky stars at 09:40 p.m. [ ]

sunday \| 18 03 07
i think i'm going crazy. like out of my mind. because of 5 guys who really wouldn't care if i "vanished from the face of the earth". because they don't even know of my existence in the first place. so even i can't comprehend my own feelings. i know i wouldn't be able to give up. i tried. but somehow, it's just so hard to let go of these things. because deep down, they really matter. they brought me hell lot of happiness. friendships too, as mentioned previously. but why do things have to turn out like this. but i still don't care. i'm still going to wake up at 6am tomorrow. ninchan counted her lucky stars at 09:03 p.m. [ ]

saturday \| 17 03 2007
既然沒什麼力氣離開電腦，就簡單的說一下今天所發生的事吧 XD - 我和彭克合照! ^_^ - 石頭跟我揮手說拜拜! XD - 諺明總共給我畫了兩次笑臉! >_< 簡單來説是這樣了，可是還有很多其他的小小東西..但我一向來都不太會作報告，所以就到此結束 \|\|\| 對了，我又結新歡了。可是跟他超無緣的就是了 >_____< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 01:51 a.m. [ ]

thursday \| 01 03 2007
今天翻閱報章時，無意間看到了有關《黃城》的小報道。就勾起了那份又愛又恨的回憶。（回憶可以又愛又恨的嗎？XD\|\|\|）不知不覺，已經過了四年。他們那時說得對，黃城是一個會讓你一輩子都記得的體驗。說真的，對黃城，我有很多埋怨。因為黃城，我的初院學習生涯有了一個很坏的開始(ie had a bad headstart)。還記得剛開始的時候，我意志務必把每天的功課做完，不能有任何backlog。而我真的做到了，一直到黃城把我的力氣都吸光。然後，也因為黃城，我無法正常的上日語課，對日語的興趣也逐步消退，最後竟然考到B3。可是說真的，這一切也是我自找的吧。可是無論如何，黃城真的在我心中留下了永遠的烙印。短短的三個月，比council的一年多更豐富，更有紀念性。 today, i was just telling my sister that i'm never one who'd keep in contact with my friends; the friends that i still have are all friends who'd actually take the initiative to ask me out. sometimes, i wonder if my passiveness is because of me thinking that friends are not all the important after all. or i just feel that they're too troublesome to keep. selfish? perhaps. but because of this, i'm really thankful to the friends i have. 真的是屈指可數。scgs group: nat val siwei shunwei; scip: grace daniel gerald; s60: chinee rj (i believe if not for these two buddies, 我也不會和其他女生有任何交往 =) xuhan. basically that seems to be all. quite sad isn't it. and honestly, if not for 五月天，i wouldn't even have been close to chinee and rj. so 有時候，真的覺得五月天的威力不淺。他們還讓我們有了好多跨國友誼！XD and why am i saying all these after my 黃城 talk? because i never managed to hold on to the 黃城 friendships. maybe it's because i never did establish any strong bonds in the first place, what with my cynical perception at that point of time, and perpetual thought that friendships are really worth nothing. 回首我的初院生涯�好落寞。沒有好好把握機會，沒有好好把握友情，更沒有好好把握青春。說真的，這一路來，我到底做了什麼能讓自己自豪的事？ i'm always regretting, always hating myself, always thinking about miracles happening. i've never really put the energy i use to hating myself to other better uses. 既然知道時間是無法回轉的，為何不更積極面對人生，好好充實未來的每一天呢？但我就是無法做到。 i see myself being trapped in a vicious cycle. i find something tough coming my way. i sink into depression, hating myself, thinking why must things be like that. the tough things pass. i do badly in whatever i was supposed to do. i'm supposed to be happy that i'm more relaxed, but i'm sad because i didn't channel more energy into what i was supposed to do. i start wondering about what i could have done. something else comes my way. ditto. i must break through this evil cycle! >_< seems like a big digression. lol. anyway, after next monday, i should be feeling much better. XD not like i'm not stealing a break now. muahaha. so it's back to harry potter and 花樣少男少女！if i don't continue watching 花樣，i'll be slower than channel u! >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:29 a.m. [ ]

sunday \| 25 02 2007
alright. so here comes the last day of the mid-term break. ie the day i'd be staying up late, pulling my hair out, grumbling about why nus is so stingy with holidays while struggling to churn out crap for term papers. BUT i'm also happy to say that i haven;t quite managed to disappoint myself yet again this break! lol. =) for starters.. i haven't left EVERYTHING for the last minute. perhaps it's because i knew i couldn't. i have 1 project, 1 presentation, 3 tests, 1 term paper, 1 report draft and 1 blog entry. to be honest, what i have left undone is 1 presentation, 3 tests, 1 term paper and 1 report draft. meaning only the first and last of the long list is striked out. BUT i usually don't care about tests so it's alright (XD\|\|\|), i don't have a big part in the presentation and we're staying in school to complete it on tuesday, and the report draft is half completed (hoping to finish it before the sun rises). SO let's put our hands together and pray that i'll be able to sleep early this sunday night! XD\|\|\| k lah i DID slack alot this break, as usual. but NUS is really damn kiam siap can? they actually only gave us 3 days of break since mon and tues was CNY. and who has the mood to do work on CNY you tell me. so evil right! =( but the break's already ending so what to do. argh. ok better shoo off to work before i really do what i mentioned in the beginning of this post. and just a reminder to everyone out there: if you ever find yourself bored because you're taking a break from doing schoolwork, DO NOT attempt to re-read any harry potter books. it's lethal! tried and tested and proven. boo. ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:10 a.m. [ ]

sunday \| 04 02 2007
why must life be like that. we are being controlled by so many things that eventually, we really can't say that we choose the way we lead our lives. if really given a chance, i wouldn't want to change my life, but i would hope that i have the power to change the things around me. i wouldn't call this FAE (fundamental attribution error; go figure), it's really all these things happening that make me feel life is totally so not worth living. and i can't exactly choose to die now either right. so there you go. =p and the news i'm watching right now is showing footages of a post-suicide bombing incident. stuffs like that don't make me want to treasure my life more; they make me even more resolute in feeling that life is really nothing but trash. whatever. for now, i have 2 things on my agenda that have to be completed by tomorrow. and i don't even know why i have to do them. what if i don't wake up tomorrow?! then my last few hours spent wasted on the living would really be wasted on the living. don't people always say live life to the fullest; live life as though there's no tomorrow.. so why are we still doing the things we're doing?! shouldn't we spend everyday being with the ones we love, doing the things we always say we have no time for.. see what i mean?!?! life is just full of shit lah. = = ps: i hope i'm making sense! at least i feel that i am =p ninchan counted her lucky stars at 10:56 p.m. [ ]

thursday \| 01 02 2007
ok i'm rather pissed now.. with work.. basically, my main reason for continuing my p/t job is because of money, since it has started to affect my schoolwork. but my pocket money is just too little to even survive, so i really have no choice. and somehow, my expenditures are growing (that i really have to blame myself =( ) BUT anyway back to the main picture.. the restaurant really quite cheat money =( because.. when a public holiday falls on a weekday, we get paid the weekday amount, and not the weekend amount. i mean HELLO public holiday the workload is bound to be much heavier, obviously we'd be assumed to be getting weekend pay? =( not that i want to be niao, but sometimes, the reason why i sacrifice my pub hol is 'cause of the extra money. it's only until now when i'm finally able to analyse my payslip accurately (because i didn't work alot of days so i can tell where the errors are) did i managed to come to this conclusion. argh. xmas day, new year's day, all thrown away. honestly, i'm beginning to hate this job lah =( it's only because of money. i just want to start saving up that's why. ARGH. my manager asked me to work on third day of cny because many of the msian waitresses are going back. i said ok. but now, i'm having second thoughts. after all, it's a pub hol on a weekday AND there's bound to be lack of manpower, so i'll just end up working doubly hard just for a weekday pay, when i can just be merry on weekdays. and this job is really taking it's toll on me =( so many pple i dislike, the designation i get is always like the shittiest. maybe i should just really get a pocket money raise from my dad and stop working. but how much can he raise until =( now i'm getting 250. transportation fees adds up to around 80. so it's 170 for an average of 30 days. that's like less than per day. even if he doubles it, i'll only get max per day. that's even less than what 3hrs of work would get me. and so i end up with the same saddening conclusion. =( ninchan counted her lucky stars at 12:43 a.m. [ ]

saturday \| 06 01 2007
just random ranting for this entry. made tofu cheesecake! all by myself! but i think it'll be too sweet. added too much sugar and wasted a fair bit of cake mix >_< but i'm still proud of myself! just hope that the sweetness won't override the cheesecake taste. but now i actually think for that teeny bit of tcc is not very expensive. i spent about for my tcc, which should be around 15 pcs of that cake. BUT it's really tedious when you don't have proper equipment, adequate space, and you really waste quite a bit of time, not to mention the cleaning up after everything's done. and the outcome's not guaranteed. haha. then again, the sense of satisfaction is priceless hee =) been feeling moody/sian these days. sleeping very late just because i don't want to sleep. yes, those days are back again =( and school's opening! in 2 days! argh. not to mention i didn't manage to get one module! a major module at that. timetable upset-ed. HAI. so hopefully i can get the replacement module i found lah. haha. good chance to fulfill other requirements. i'd finally be stepping out of arts fac! XD recently found another guy that i may unfortunately like. and so the same story takes place. it's really taking it's toll on me. i still love my bf alot. but when some other guy comes along and happens to be someone you think you like, you just start to think nonsensical stuffs. like what will happen if you really do get together with this other guy. will things be better. not that things are not good in the first place, but you just hope it'll be better. nonsensical right? >_< and mayday's new album is out. nice. and by now, i've taken a liking to all the songs. fully digested all of them. haha. maybe it's just conditioning. because i was telling ahpeh that i always need time to digest mayday's songs; some songs just don't sound nice when you first listen to them, but you start to like them the more you listen to them. but then again, i only truly love the slow songs. 最重要的小事忘詞一千個世紀天使 (in order!) =) somehow i don't like mickey mouse. as in not as much as others. i think even motorbike diary is nicer. followed by perfume! haha. really random ranting. jumping from here to there with totally no link. hai. oh, forgot to say that i got a pay rise. lol. finally la. but i'm not working alot, so i think it's not going to be that significant. only 50c increase per hour anyway. but without that increase, i wouldn't have had deducted for CPF last month. LOL. can't wait till the day i get to use my CPF! ie the day i buy my house! before that would be marriage, which would be after i find a satisfying and stable job, which is after i buy my hatchback car, and that would be after i graduate, which is only in 2yrs time! counting backwards can be really fun at times. XD shall try to go sleep. it totally doesn't feel like school's starting. not like in pri/sec/jc days when school re-opening used to be a big and somewhat joyous matter. haha. all part and parcel of growing up. =( i don't want! boo. ninchan counted her lucky stars at 03:04 a.m. [ ]

saturday \| 09 12 2006
原來心痛是這樣的。我以為他會忘記。但他沒有。而談話中途，我竟然哭了。三年的愛情，果然不是說放就放得下。其實分手后這麼久，我還是會偶爾想著他，很多時候還必須逼自己不要想，不能哭著入睡。是自己選擇放手的，凴什麼後悔。是自己選擇了現在這段更不理想的愛情，只能怪自己。怪只能怪自己一手摧毀了那段美好的回憶。或許該慶幸的是，他並沒有討厭我，避開我。 maybe it's just because i'm feeling really low these few days, and nothing seems to be going right. ahpeh, i've cried alot already.. haha. just the night before yesterday, i cried for 2+hours i think. kept trying to rationalise with myself. but thanks alot.. i guess it's also because i have nothing to do now so keep thinking about those silly stuffs.. can't wait to get back to work! lol. =) 心裡這番話若讓你知道，後果將會是如何？ ninchan counted her lucky stars at 10:46 p.m. [ ]

saturday \| 09 12 2006
這幾天感覺怪怪的。對，都是從他們走了以後。每一次都是這樣的，從沒改變過，以後我就不知道。其實那天送機后有想過，到底是為了什麼，得到的又是什麼。反而越想越煩躁。其實這幾天心情都不好。那天爆炸的時候，找不到人傾訴，反而還要聽他傾訴。也不知道是他insensitive還是什麼，你自己覺得煩我不怪你，但你是真的聽不出我剛哭過嗎？跟你講電話的時候也都一直在哭，你只會告訴我你有多煩。要不是我及時阻止自己，我們現在應該已經分了。 re-read my diary entries when they left, and realised that everytime they came and went, problems would arise btw me and dAnieL. and this time, the same thing happen. nothing seems to change, and nothing seems to be changing. 是我自己太固執了嗎? ninchan counted her lucky stars at 04:15 p.m. [ ]

thursday \| 07 12 2006
ADD-ON at 10:03pm: tadah, and here's the new simple layout.. all brushes taken from angelic-trust.net with much thanks! it's a no frills layout with only blog entries and nothing else. =) should be here to stay for quite some time! =) because this mayday layout has been here for quite some time, i decided to archive the entries, and a new layout will be on the way.. possibly something real plain like betsuni in the past because i just don't know what else to do on =X anyway pretty jaded after the mayday gig. didn't get to go to the airport to ji jie because had to study for exam. didn't get to see them smoking (lol \|\|) cause had an exam that day. but well luckily my exam ended just nice so got to go for supper. got to be crazy and rush to the airport at 6+am. and stayed there until 11+am. but.. not satisfied. =( didn't prepare anything for anyone, so had no reason to get near anyone. ie, i didn't even know what i'd like to say to him even if i got the chance to walk beside him >_< then for the later flight, obviously my presence could be ignored by him, because i'm the only person he doesn't know out of that small group.. so.. i felt so damn awkward la. ie i wondered if i would have stayed behind had i known that would be the outcome. =X so.. the airport song ji experience was really quite a not-so-good one. but as usual, talking to other fans and knowing some gossip is always entertaining and enriching. lol. and taking the same stand as shijie, "講八卦我也要聼" XD\|\|\| but he's really a nice guy, ah peh's choice is real good lah. LOL. exams withdrawal syndrome (not knowing what's there to do), mayday withdrawal syndrome (feeling a lost in the sense of direction because they just came and went as though it's none of your business but it really affects you a great deal), and most seriously, LOST OF SLEEP. makes me lose appetite, lose mood to do anything. everything added up.. i think i need some fluoxetine >_< ninchan counted her lucky stars at 07:23 p.m. [ ]